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Whistling A Chinese Song (Complete Poem WS Edit 3)

(Also With Title Revised from the original "Sing because you have a song)
(This Edit #3 has punctuation errors corrected, thanks to detailed scrutiny by Wesley)

Fastening my seat belt
whistling a Chinese song,
I'm ready to steer
my second hand car.

Windshield though cracked
will let in fresh air,
bonnet made of steel
wearing red oxide scales.

The tires may have aged
over some bumpy rides,
but the battery is almost new;
will last me many miles.

On a cloudy grey morning,
still whistling the Chinese song,
I turn on the ignition, but
the engine won't fire.

Cursing under my breath
I let out a mighty snarl
hoping to wake up
my sleeping doll.

A steady rain
now fogging my mind,
I turn on the wipers
to cleanse the grime.

I push on the peddle
till it hits the floor,
no whir of the engine,
just a rickety growl.

I put on my shades
to close out the mist, but
with mind in unrest
can't undo the twist.

Tied up in knots,
whistling that Chinese song,
I slam the door
and forget the drive.

Drenched in the rain
my mind takes on wings.
Suddenly my horizon
is bathed in sun shine.

That Chinese song
now makes a lot of sense
while I sing it along
whistling speed lanes.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This attempt is to express the frustration an amateur like me goes through while learning the ropes about writing poetry and the realization that one need not immediately know the answers or nuances of poetry yet one must keep trying because you like poetry
Editing stage: 

Comments

... are one of the best explanations as to why we keep doing it.
Raj, I really like this. At this point I should just be proofreading for mistakes and discussing your vocabulary, but I really like the thing. What a wonderful running metaphor for life in general.
I don't like the lack of punctuation, but that is a choice of style.
You have made my point about useful repetition with our "Chinese song".
What would you change?
It's getting ahead of myself (in the workshop), but I would even out some of the meter so the stanza more crispy match their style.
The first stanza sets an excellent tone and were the poem mine I would hold to that form (loosely, but not too loose).
This needs no greater vocabulary as the natural language speaks to the subject.
Just an excellent submission.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Thank you Wes for taking time for your preliminary critique. Your comments are noted. Being new to a workshop, please do let me know at what point can I start with revisions, since I do have some revisions in mind. Regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

The theme is good and flows on with reality.
Just take care where at one point the windscreen is cracked and lets the air in then later you switch on the wipers to clear the rain, maybe your face will become very wet??
As with me the punctuation is lacking but as Wesley says this is a choice.
Not sure as with mine when the editing should take place, I think Wesley should set a time for each section, I shall ask lol.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks for your comments. I will be improving on the punctuation as we move on in this workshop....as for your comment about the cracked windshield and rain..all the more reason to start the wipers to minimize water making my face wet don't you agree? lol...good to know you liked the theme...regards..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

use of metaphor Raj. I think Wesley has said it all and said it pretty well. I'll wait to see what revisions would you bring to your Chinese song.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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Appreciate you time and comments Rula. Keep sending more as we move on n the workshop...As you had mentioned, it would surely help me when I pick up good suggestions for improvisation...

thanks and regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Your original poem "It smells so good" was a great idea. Who doesn't come up with great ideas whilst having a shit? My only problem with the original was that it didn't sufficiently differentiate the idea conceived on the toilet from "it smells so good".

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thank you Elf for expressing your views...I will look out for your critique as we move on with the workshop....regards.,..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

On my first reading I noticed stanza 4 line 2 [whistilng] whistling, I agree with Wesley that the meter could be evened out for rhythm and flow, I think your language use is in keeping with the theme of the poem and well used, I have to say I am not keen on the title I think that this could be improved holler out if you want some suggestions I will think on it

This is my first critique on the workshop I'm going to try and get to a couple everyday I will be returning as poems are edited and see if I can offer anything else in the way of suggested improvements

I really enjoyed this Raj and I am really interested to see where you go with it nice work

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Appreciate you taking time to visit and comments, Will take them into account during editing. As for the title, as suggested by you I AM hollaring out loud...EVERYBODY PLEASE SHARE SOME ALTERNATIVES FOR THE TITLE ...I hope everyone heard me lol,...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Mmmmmmmm I will sleep on it ....

Night

Love n hugs JC xxx

p.s. I heard you all the way down here lol :-)

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

in the light of a Chinese song
or
the light of a Chinese song
or
whistling light
or
whistling sunshine

they are all off the top of my head let me know if you want any more suggestions seems I have a head full of them tonight lol

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thank you Jayne for stopping by and offering suggestions about the title. I am absorbing all suggestions being offered by fellow Members and once we get a go ahead from Wesley will do the edits... cheers..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Loved your Post Script..It's good that you heard me "down under" ..that mean I really hollared loud or you have extra sharp ears..lol...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Raj's request is mine. Suggest away folks.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Sorry Wesley, I didn't understand what you really mean when you say "I despise coming up with titles"...could you please clarify?

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I mean really bad at it.
I think I'll call my poem "Gone With the Wind" if it's not taken. That's the best I can do.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Thank's for the suggestion Wesley..Sounds good.

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

In general I don't do free write poems, so it's difficult for me to make any comment on the structure of the poem - Hence I submit to Wesleys appraisal.

I like the metaphor and theme of your poem. Learning how to be a good poet can be like taking one step forward and two steps backward - sometime the "engine" just won't fire! but the willingness and passion is there, like a "battery" with plenty of life in it. But poetry can be very frustrating. We often look for inspiration hoping to wake our "sleeping beauty". Sometimes it doesn't work out, and what is even more frustrating is if an idea comes into our mind and then we loose it! ( that happens to me if I'm distracted - or don't write it down ).

Wow betide anyone that interrupts a line of thought. Lol

But then there is the day when the whole thing comes together and your mind "takes wings" and the sun shines! and the song you were whistling blossoms into life.

I like the way you have kept the theme of the Chinese song all the way through - it starts off with a whistle and ends up being sung.

An excellent analogy of how the writer can flourish so long as they keep the tune in mind.

I hope I'm on the right track with this comment.

Love the poem!

LOve Mand xxxxx

I never allow myself to think of specific lines of poetry unless I have access to a pen. Sure enough I will come up with something good, not be able to remember and never recreate it. I leave my mind blank. Fortunately this is not difficult for me.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Tell you what? You are absolutely spot on with your comment and hit the bulls eye in connecting with the analogy through which I have attempted to profile the struggles of an amateur and all the challenges he/she goes through and the joy of discovering that he/she is making progress....it is therefore very satisfying to read your comments...thanks a lot for connecting so well with the theme...

Having said that, by participating in this workshop I am looking forward to fine tune the poem based on feed backs and critiques from fellow members and participants...

hugs..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I have a suggestion! I think the ending needs to be tightened up and needs to connect to the beginning, rounding the poem out. So here's a suggested ending or the like.

Drenched in rain,
my mind takes on wings.
Suddenly, on the horizon,
the sun rises.

It's then I see,
with all restrictions gone.
And I fly off unencumbered - or my mind flies unencumbered
while singing the Chinese song.

Course it's your call! :)

Love Mand xxxxxx

Thank you Mand for your suggestions. I am waiting for Wesley to go ahead for the edits, when I will be absorbing suggestions made by all and will do the edits...really appreciate your comments...let them keep coming...cheers!

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

A poem should begin with a single, tight little point, expand and finish returning to that single, tight little point only to find the point has been subtly rearranged.
Her suggestion is a sound one.
And in case you haven't heard... please edit at will. We will have numerous subjects raised as we go that will pull you back to revise again and again.
Unfortunately I can't talk about everything at once (though god knows I have tried on occasion).

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Well the metaphor and such has already been covered. I liked the archaic spelling of tyre and use of bonnet. Title? hmmm......maybe "the song in your heart"? I'll return to this later because it's a bit late here.........stan

Thanks Stan for your suggestion...will look out for your detailed comments when you find time...thank you once again

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

    "A non-stop song"  or "The forever running song" .. I think these two might go well with the running metephor and the reference to everything we learn on the long run of our lives.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thank you Rula for your suggestion about title. During the edit phase I will go about the suggestions made by everyone and do the edits...Please keep commenting while we run through this workshop...Cheers!

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I gave title some more thought and the one I suggested earlier isn't right. maybe..."Why rainy day birds sing" ?
on to specifics :
Stanza 2, [ The] bonnet made of steel
..................[wears] red oxide scales
S-3, l-1 why capitalize tyres?
S-3, l-2 change "some" to "many"
S-4, l-2 still whistling [the] Chinese song
S-5,l-4 I am undecided on the use of "booty" which is slang for ass. I see you refer to car as "her" so this might be intentional. If it's not then you could use boot which is slang for a car's trunk
S-9, l-2 change "the' to "that". this change along with the one suggested in stanza 4 will prevent exact repetition while maintaining continuity.
........l-4 and [forget] the drive I think that might be closer to what you mean

All that aside I still liked reading this and easily pictured the protagonist's situation and state of mind.......stan

I truly appreciate the time many of you have taken to read and provide specific comments and guidance. What I am planning to do is copy them to a note pad and take a look at the suggestions, stanza by stanza and mark the edited one as "first edit" for further comments. I believe it would help enable all to take a re-look and comment of the edited version and follow the same sequence after each edit by marking it with "second edit" and so on...

regards and thanks...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Many thanks for your time, comments and suggestions. Based on the same, I have worked on punctuation, Title (connecting the last stanza with the opening), replaced some words with alternates proposed and also of my own and have re-posted it for further comments. suggestions and criqtique which would be most welcome.

regards and thanks...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I have come back for another look, I compared the original version with your present edit, I can see the work that you've done, I still think the rhythm needs a little work there are lines and stanza's where the flow is effortless but then there are other lines that are stilted and tripping in the read, I really love this one and I think it can be made even better, like for instance in this stanza you added 'still'

I push on the peddle
till it hits the floor,
'still' no whir of the engine
just a rickety growl.

I wouldn't have put the 'still' I that line for me its a word too many when you read it, BUT in saying that see what the others think I could be very wrong, and sometimes I am truth be told lol

I think your doing a great job :)

much love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Interestingly, I was also contemplating whether to add "Still" or do away with it.

I push on the peddle
till it hits the floor,
'still' no whir of the engine
just a rickety growl.

As suggested by you I will see what others have to say before changing it

Appreciate your time, read and encouraging comments

Much love and hugz...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I like the changes - and the ending rounds the poem out nicely! All in all it's much better and flows nicely! I tend to agree with Jayne to leave out the "still". But of course it's your choice! Other than that I think you done a great revision - I can't see anything more to change.

Well done

Love Mand xxxx

Thank you for the time to re-visit this one and check out on the revisions. good to know that other than eliminating "still" you find this revised version good. How about the revised Title? I would love to know your thoughts on that too if you happen to re-visit.

Thanks too for your "well done"...it brought on a smile..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

the title is quite long, BUT, I like it:-)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thank you Rula for re-visiting this write to review the edits and comment. Yes. I agree the title is a bit long. I will give it a thought to concise it if possible..do you feel after the edit the poem works better?... .regards..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Sorry I've been slow in reply

I have been thinking about your title - the best I came up with was "inside out" ( fairly useless I'm afraid )

I think, all in all your original title is better!

LOve Mand xxxxx

Cursing under the breath, (I might have use "my" instead of "the")
can't undo the twist. (And I don't quite understand this one. I may be obtuse, but remember that "internal logic" must clear to the target audience which in this case is us or me. What was your meaning?)

Otherwise I really like this "song".
Some of the meter skips around, but not so much as to detract from the flow (not much anyway, but I love my consistent meter... it's a curse)

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I was in fact looking forward to your critique. Thanks for taking time in your busy schedule to re-visit this post and for your suggestions and queries.. My responses to the same are as below:-

As for use of the instead of my in "Cursing under the breath"...initially I had gone for "my" but since it also appears again in the same stanza, i changed it back to the, to avoid repetition.

Regarding use of twist in the lines below, it being a sequel to the previous line, I used "twist" to suggest "confused" mind

with mind in unrest
can't undo the twist

Jayne and Mand have suggested deleting "still" in S7 Line 3 which I am seriously considering to accept to improve the meter..

Shall appreciate your thoughts on the above..

Good to know that generally you have liked the work I have done on this, which is satisfying to know.

regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Understand twist and I think "my" is not so repetitious. Usually it is a larger word we want avoid repeating and not articles or like words.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Thanks Wes for your inputs. I will now proceed with the changes since there are nor more comments or suggestions from other workshop participants, I believe those changes would make this poem sort of generally acceptable in terms of what I had expected to achieve by way of participation in this workshop. Can you share your opinion about the revised Title?

Regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

... I rather liked the other one, but I am terrible with titles, so you may not want to listen to me.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I'm pleased you change title from the intermediate one. You reworks have greatly improved this poem. I noticed Wes wants us to point out allegories so here goes :
engine won't fire.....we don't really want the engine to catch fire
sleeping doll.....of course it isn't a doll
tied up in knots.....that would be painful
I expect there are more less obvious ones also but I'll let others track them down............stan

Thanks for pin pointing allegories within my poem which honestly I wasn't aware of. It is a value addition.....thanks too for revisiting and dropping your comments.

raj

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Most poets use all kinds of poetic devices without even being aware of it............stan

I like this title much better than your ding dong title, this one has more flow and it grabs you

Love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thanks for re-visiting this one and finding the present title better than the Ding Dong one. Frankly, I'm still not comfy even with this one. Finding the right title for this one has been the toughest part for me. I am therefore waiting for some sort of brain wave :)

much love n hugz...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Fastening my seat belt
whistling a Chinese song,
I'm ready to steer
my second hand car. (I don’t believe there is a deliberate allegory here, but many readers will look at their life as this “second hand car”. Just a thought.)

Windshield though cracked (The comma is unnecessary here.)
will let in fresh air,
bonnet made of steel
wearing red oxide scales.

The tyres may have aged (“Tires” is spelled with an “I”.)
over some bumpy rides,
but the battery is almost new; (This requires a semi colon. There is an incomplete sentence following a complete one and both are related.)
will last me many miles.

On a cloudy grey morning,
still whistling the Chinese song,
I turn on the ignition, (We always need a comma before “but”.)
but the engine won't fire.

Cursing under my breath,
I let out a mighty snarl
hoping to wake up (We don’t need either one of those commas. Complete sentences with no separation.)
my sleeping doll.

A steady rain
now fogging my mind,
I turn on the wipers (Again, too many commas. As to the allegory… it is still holding. It’s kind of amazing what you have produced. Just look at your poem from the point of view of “life”. You’ll see it even though you did not intend it. Stan was spot on in his perspective.)
to cleanse the grime.

I push on the peddle
till it hits the floor, (This needs a comma and not a period.)
no whir of the engine, (A comma would help, but is not necessary.)
just a rickety growl.

I put on my shades
to close out the mist, (Again we need a comma. Are these typographical errors?)
but with mind in unrest
can't undo the twist. (I see this now. Don’t mess with it.)

Tied up in knots,
whistling that Chinese song,
I slam the door
and forget the drive.

Drenched in the rain (We don’t need anything. Definitely not a period.)
my mind takes on wings.
Suddenly my horizon (We need a capital and no comma.)
is bathed in sun shine.

That Chinese song (No period.)
now makes a lot of sense (No comma needed.)
while I sing it along
on whistling speed lanes.

These are mechanical suggestions. Now a little deeper. I’m not crazy about the meter. The lines are short and thereby would benefit from a much more consistent metric form. However, that is the poet’s choice and just my opinion.
The language is sharp and though allegory was not intended I can’t help but see it. I am always trying to clean my windshield that I should see my life better. The allegory fairly drips from this. As Stan said many poets will write things they don’t intend at first. It is the nature of our art.
If you have more questions about meter I am at your disposal.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I have no words to express my sincere thanks for the time you have taken for pinpointing the punctuation errors and providing corrections. I will incorporate all of them.

As per your comment about not knowing allegory, I wish to clarify that "cleaning my windshield" was certainly intended to mean " I should see my life better", however, what I said to Stan was that I didn't know that this is an allegory.

Once again thanks a lot and regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

So it is allegory. I am pleased.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

My reading.
Please forgive faults and errors,
I'm trying to do a reading for everyone in the workshop.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s00N2p3Ci6mm

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thanks a lot for your time and good intentions by reading aloud the poem and providing the link. It is a great help for sure...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I think you have done a marvelous job on this poem my friend

I came back for another read and I was checking out what work you had done

Bravo :)

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thanks for stopping by and your appreciative comment.

Much love and hugs,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I second what Jayne has said. This is very creative and well thought out - you have done a marvellous job!

I'm looking forward to reading more of your poems.

Love and hugs Mand xxxxxxx

Thanks for your appreciative comment. I have already posted a few more. Hope there is progress in the investigation regarding the problem your hubby had with his bank account.

Much love and hugs..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I'll keep you posted - Husband has cancelled his card - so they can't take anymore, They've taken about £200 thus far. ( Which may not seem much but it's a lot for us ). He didn't notice that the money was missing because it was taken in small amounts over a period of a few months. I think the bank will reimburse the money so all's not lost - I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for enquiring Raj. :)

Love Mand xxxx

It is good that the bank would be re0imbursing the money, yet I can understand how concerning this matter is for you both when hard earned money is robbed like this. It also is a notice for our fellow members to be cautioned.

love and hugs..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

For those who think a change of just a few words makes little difference this should disprove their ideas. Good revisions............stan

Thanks Stan. It is all because of well meaning friends like you who made good suggestions.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

love the metaphor.I'm not good with meter myself, so can't really comment much on it . I think the title is fine as it is..

Alid

Thanks Alid for the read and your comment.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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