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Conceived at dawn (Tanka Couplet)

gentle brush of breeze
upon soft dewy petals
awakens desire

passion flower is excited
like a maiden is in wait

flutter bee alights
within her welcome embrace
to feast on nectar

consumed in the aftermath
she now dreams about babies

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

What a lovely Tanka couplet, raj. I believe there should be no alliterations, as in the first strophe, but you know better.
Altogether perfect. Title is suggestive of what's to come. I like the ending, the girl dreaming of babies, tho' that might be a bit old fashioned.
Enjoyed, no nits, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

Thank you for taking time to read and your comments. Good to know you enjoyed reading it.

be well..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I'm sorry i know nothing of this form but your theme and title are excellent and work so well together, if you are a man, you have done a better job than you think getting into the mind of a woman.

I could probably judge a free verse more, as that is mostly what i write in. so i also look forward to reading one from you.

Thank you...Teddy

Thanks Teddy for taking time to read and for your comment...i too have written quite a few poems in free verse...

just for your information:-

How to Write a Tanka Poem. Tanka poems follow a set of rules. They all have five lines and each line follows a pattern: the first line has five syllables, the second line has seven syllables, the third line has five syllables, the fourth line has seven syllables, and the fifth line has seven syllables.

Enjoy your holiday..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

How kind, so now you can watch out for mine a simple instruction I can follow, it took me 3 years to write my sonnet lol but this looks like a good challenge thanks so much.

Thank you...Teddy

How kind, so now you can watch out for mine a simple instruction I can follow, it took me 3 years to write my sonnet lol but this looks like a good challenge thanks so much.

Thank you...Teddy

How kind, if explained well I guess I could try so watch this space my friend.

Thank you...Teddy

How kind, if explained well I guess I could try so watch this space my friend.

Thank you...Teddy

How kind a some explanation in this way could persuade me to try one. Thanks so much for your kindness.

Thank you...Teddy

How kind a some explanation in this way could persuade me to try one. Thanks so much for your kindness.

Thank you...Teddy

How kind a some explanation in this way could persuade me to try one. Thanks so much for your kindness.

Thank you...Teddy

Thank you so much for your kindness as you have showed me in a way I understand, you may well have persuaded me to try one

Thank you...Teddy

Thank you so much for your kindness as you have showed me in a way I understand, you may well have persuaded me to try one

Thank you...Teddy

Thank you so much for your kindness as you have showed me in a way I understand, you may well have persuaded me to try one

Thank you...Teddy

My deepest apologies it just wouldn't send and now I see many

Thank you...Teddy

Hi Teddy...i know it's not intentional...can happen to anyone...for a moment I was surprised to see the numbers against the poem in stream which is rare for my poems...lol..

so thanks for the surprise though momentary...:)

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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