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Intimate Silence (attempt at Aubade)

In the silence, I hear your heart beats
making mine beat in tune
taking me to that tranquil space
where we'd met that morning
beneath the mango tree
when no words were spoken
just meaningful gazes in each other's eyes
tangling of our fingers
caressing of lips,
I even hear your sighs
eyebrows raised, questioning
"did you say something"?
I let your ear rest on my chest
you listen, sigh again
and our lips draw us back
into an intimate silence

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
This is an attempt at writing an Aubade inspired by reading the poem submitted by Jerry...don't know if it fits the bill..
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Not bad; not bad at all, but a reference to "parting in the morning" would have made it clear that it is a parting from a lover. I believe that is the only rule. Nice try though! Jerry
Note:
Aubade - Literary Devices
literarydevices.net › aubade
Literary Analysis. The poem “Aubade” is a morning song which lovers sing at dawn, after they spend a night together, and are now reluctant to part.

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>Please visit my website: www.jerrykspoetry.com

Thanks Jerry for reading and your encouraging comment and suggestion...will think about it...good to know my attempt was good enough..

be well..

PS
I have now tweaked it up adding the suggested line about meeting in the morning and removed the jarring line of phone ringing as well...does it now work better?

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Hi, raj,
It seems you are reflecting on your time after you've left? Perhaps she calls and you have her listen to your heart beat? Simply my interpretation for a lovely poetry form. "...tangling of fingers..." Love it.
Thank you!
L

for reading and your interpretation...actually it is more of a reminisce about some special moment...

be well..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Hi raj, lovely romantic aubade. Good title and highly sensual, maybe a bit sad. The phone jolts me out of the peaceful mood. As Jerry says, maybe you can adjust it so that it's a morning song to a lover. Should not be difficult.
All the best, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

thank you for taking time to read and comment..good to know you liked it....let me work on what you and Jerry have said...

regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I have now tweaked it up adding the suggested line about meeting in the morning and removed the jarring line of phone ringing as well...does it now work better?

be well..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

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Lovedly for stopping by. I think this sufficiently explains the time....parting is already referred in "where we had met"...may be you missed it...

be well..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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