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Resting my iambic feet

while cruising through the tunnel of dead
at lightning speed but not in haste
before reaching the point I dread
I thought of taking a much needed rest

because it was a sort of final chance
to get my sonnet rhyming rhythmic right
I paused to take an appreciative glance
before moving from the darkness to light

I moved on with a marathoner's pride
a deathly wish almost accomplished
tiptoeing over those iambic feet
about to end a wriggly wiggly ride
in time before I was nearly famished
Angels were smiling with a pumpkin treat

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I see the sonnet workshop is giving everyone fits and nightmares:)
At the first look, I thought I am going to read a Petrarchan sonnet. You have almost all the sonnet's components, two quatrains and a sestet. You needed only to focus a bit more on the iambic pentemeter.
I really love this one.
Great, entertaining read Raj!!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Good to know both of you found this to be at least funny. I was prepared to know that there would be areas needing fixing, since neither of you have given me a clue about which are the ones which need fixing. I would be glad to know even if i have got half of those iambic verses or pentameters right.. For now, I just know that you are not going to allow my iambic feet to rest...lol...

I have attempted rhyme sequence of 2 two quadrains followed by a sestet, i.e., abab, cdcd, efgefg...i hope i have got at least that part right...

Regards, [with my iambic feet still shaking]

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Ditto what Rula said
Do work on this one

if you do, you will have to look at the rhyme scheme of the first two stanzas - you have the elizabethan here.... but it is an easy fix, just changing the verses around a bit

lol - I would so love to play with this
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Please feel free to play with this one for i know sonnets are a plaything for you :)

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

firstly, the rhyme for a Petrarchan is wrong in the first two stanzas
you have used the Elizabethan for them

it is correct for the sextet, however

the first stanzas can be fixed, just by changing the verses around as bit

instead of
while cruising through the tunnel of dead
at lightning speed but not in haste
before reaching the point I dread
I thought of taking a much needed rest

have
at lightning speed but not in haste
while cruising through the tunnel of dead
before reaching the point I dread
I thought of taking a much needed rest

(your rhyme here - haste / rest is close enough for now, but not perfect)

and instead of
because it was a sort of final chance
to get my sonnet rhyming rhythmic right
I paused to take an appreciative glance
before moving from the darkness to light

have
to get my sonnet rhyming rhythmic right
because it was a sort of final chance
I paused to take an appreciative glance
before moving from the darkness to light

while CRUIS | ing THROUGH | the TUNN | el of | DEAD
at LIGHT | ning SPEED | but NOT | in HASTE
be - FORE | REACH -ing | the POINT | i DREAD
i THOUGHT | of TAK | -ing a | MUCH NEED | -ed REST

be -CAUSE | it was | a SORT | of FIN | -al CHANCE
to GET | my SONN | et RHYM | -ing RHYTH | -mic RIGHT
i PAUSED | to TAKE | an ap | -PRE -ci | –A -tive | GLANCE
be - FORE | MOV -ing | from the | DARK -ness | to LIGHT

i MOVED | on with | a MAR | -a –THON | -er's PRIDE
a DEATH | -ly WISH | AL -most | a -CCOM | -plished
tip - TOE | -ing OV | -er THOSE | i -AM | -bic FEET
a -BOUT | to END | a WRIGG | ly WIG | -ly RIDE
in TIME | be -FORE | i was | NEAR - ly | FAM -ished
AN -gels | were SMIL | -ing with | a PUMP | -kin TREAT

xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

After reading the initial part of comment I was happy that just switching the verses up and down is going to set the firs two quatrains right...however reading further it as heartbreaking to know that i have got the soft and harsh parts of iambs HORRIBLY wrong or rather HORRIFICALLY wrong which has taken whatever juice [patience] out of me..at least for the time being....i may give it one more try but no more than that because as Rula has mentioned i am having night mares...

having said that..i cant thank you enough for your explanation and pin pointing where i went wrong...and my way with the TENNOS :)

Regards and thanks a million for your patience...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

perhaps you may not have looked at my response to my comment above in which i have acknowledged your suggestion to just move the lines / verses in the first two quatrains to fix the rhyming sequence which is a very easy fix. However the nightmarish part is to also change the words in many of the lines where the unstressed - stressed sequence of the iambic pentameter has gone horribly wrong.

Regards and thanks,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Don't give up... you really are doing so well
and you got a few right - and a lot close...
Try a trick - see if this works for you

Take a line
while cruising through the tunnel of dead
ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum
While cruising through the tunnel dum ta dead
while cruising through the tunnel of the dead

Or
before moving from the darkness to light
ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum
before ta dum from darkness dum to light
before ta dum ta darkness into light
before I move from darkness into light

keep going - you are so almost there
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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Do you?
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Unquestionably in Judyanne and Rula you have two talented ladies to grace your Meter Workshop. Just like you, I have a high regard for them too..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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