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Predatory

Predatory
-
dim-milled eyes raked filled with flies
there's no guile for death to prize
one open cog is broken
bosses' golden log token
gotta hire by next friday
just a wasted holiday
-
what's-her-name was pretty good
but now she is gone I should
go to her funeral-NAH
body in a box, too raw
ya never know what she did
in May little katydid
-
My arms around her tightened
her shallow breath so frightened
my hands tapped her youth away
I watched her self love decay
I knew I was safe right then
you just know when you begin
-
single parent family
no daddy there this you see
the way she walks eyes on ground
looks to any man around
to fill the hole in her heart
it's now shredded pulp apart
-
she saw me as a leader
and that I was to feed her
taking more as time sped by
a kind daddy in her eye
and daddies hug and they call
and touch and squeeze, don't they all?
-
I can see her sleep curled sworn
belly hurting, breasts feel torn
Am I getting rough for her?
Tears are false the pretender
A razorblade made her done
I must seek another one
-
-
-

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Inspired by a recent conversation with Beau and the dynamic of victimhood. Please don't let it be thought that because the antagonist is written in the first person that I as a writer am on his side. He's the worst kind of person, a betrayer of innocense. I feel the female character shines more fully in her trajedy. This is about the dynamics of the predatory and my empathy and love fall with the innocent prey, a girl who didn't have a chance. It is personally drawn from my passed brother, who also didn't have a chance.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Therefore good write

I appreciate the kudos you've given the tone of the piece. It seemed necessary. The real point I was going for is the nature of the predator to recognize the prey. A difficult write, in that I had to inhabit both characters and also a very personal write as it mirror's my passed brother's life as prey to uncompassionate and stronger people.

Ron
BlueDemon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Following with the review request:

I feel like the title suits the poem, provides a blanket description of the story to follow.

The language was solid and consistent throughout with the exception of the two lines "another waste holiday" and "Tears are false the pretender". Both lines read like they were forced, although they do provide complementary imagery.

The rhythm is a strong with a 7 count through out with the exception of lines 4 and 24. I have looked at all of the stanzas but cannot find a pattern that would support the changes used in these two lines.

The theme is eerie, even borderline creepy, and all too real as young lives are used until their usefulness is gone. I read the poem the first time, mostly absorbing the picture of the victim. Subsequent reads allowed me to fill myself in as the predator (although a case could be made that the victims were also predatory, seeking out there "daddy"). The topic may not be suitable to a lot of people, but I do not take issue with exploration of the darker side.

I don't know how to really describe it, but I felt like the poem got off to a slow start. I definitely liked the finish, though. I felt as if the last stanza tied everything together and provided a clear picture.

Any issues I have with the internal logic would take place in the first two stanzas. Again, the first stanza was a little slow for me. The second stanza references a katydid. Honestly, I did not know what a katydid was so I had to look it up. After doing so, I still am having an issue trying to how the reference adds to the overall logic or imagery of the poem. I also could not find significance for the tie to the month of May. I am quite positive I am missing something here. Just don't know what it is.

Overall, I enjoyed the poem. I felt like the subject matter was meaningful and thoughtfully presented with a solid rhyme scheme and strong imagery.

Scott

I tend to agree with your assessments. The mistakes were mistakes, and the slow set up was developement. The only disagreement I have with you is that I never tried to personify the killer, profile perhaps, but not personify. I got three comments that time, that's very rare. I am too fringe, too bloody, too sexual to warrant that level of scrutiny.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I don't believe there was a comparison of a victim to the main predator. Only a case that the victim could also be a predator in another sense of the word. The English language does allow for these varying degrees of definition and interpretation.

In poetry, underlying themes are often subtle. I believed there was enough inference that the victim could be predatory in that they were seeking out an individual to exploit for personal gain (i.e. to fill a hole in her heart; and daddies hug and they call).

It certainly never crossed my mind to blame the victim. I was merely reviewing a complex poem and giving thought to the idea that the author could be portraying two predators (of different natures) and how they find/need one another.

sorry if I offended you, Ron or any other members on this site.

Scott

I fall completely in line with what you're saying Beau. I agree with you. It tough terrain to traverse to write something so controversial. I am talking here about a damaged girl who was cultivated into victimhood by an evil man. Even more difficult is to inhabit both of them, when my mind is screaming "don't let him do it!" to her. I didn't find it easy to maintain any objectivity when my feelings were so involved, first with my brother who was psychologically tortured past repair, and secondly with the female character, who was just as innocent and tragic. I have to thank you for this work, our conversation re-calibrated my mind and showed me something I needed to fix. As hard as it is to read something so dark. I mean it as a claxon to humanity. This is a paraphrase from which i unfortunately cannot remember the source. "The greatest evil comes not from evil men, the greatest evil comes from good men who are apathetic."

VIctims do not deserve it, they are the innocent, and we good men and women are beholden to protect them.

Ron
BlueDemon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Scott's critique was very thorough and insightful. In my mind I had a girl who was made a victim and a man who was either born that way or chose it. There is a comparison there, though not a moral one. She's seeking to ease her pain, he's seeking to cause pain. I certainly never meant any moral ambiguity there. There simply is none.

It is my hope this can open a wider dialog about the issue and foster greater understanding.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

To answer your direct question, Yes, I felt it absolutely necessary to add the nuance that her past and unhealed hurts made her a prime target for this predator. I'm not saying what happened to her was her fault whatsoever, I'm saying she was a girl starved for emotional connection and this made her vulnerable for the predator, who recognized and acted upon it.

I'd like to address this with you. I had three womens studies courses and a women's literature course in college
so I am very aware of the concepts of mysogyny, victim-blaming, and rape-apologizing (I mentally place them in the same area as I do with other forms of ignorance, like racism). One of the essays I wrote to a decent amount of acclaim was a comparison/contrast between Goethe's Faust (with its' famous last line "the eternal feminine draws us upward) and Pink Floyd's The Nile Song (which ends "she is bound to drag me down, drag me down".)

I was born from a woman, raised by a woman, loved many women, and am happily married to a woman. I've always done my utmost to treat them all very well, and believe like Goethe that a more pronounced feminine influence on society would be a great thing.

You read it as a point of the predator's sickness that it was a cushion for these acts that he couldn't possibly have borne without the information that she wanted emotional intimacy with someone. I read it that he enjoys the whole sick process beginning to end and her "predatory-ness" is hoping someone will love her. As someone who has been victimized and after a while healed from it, I can tell you a predator can smell a victim like a shark can smell blood in the water.

I am not your enemy on this issue. While I believe there is an interplay between predator and prey, it is not that the victim deserves it, it is simply an ability of recognition on the part of the predator and a need or vulnerability on the part of the victim. That is why I wrote it the way it is. Nothing is intended to take the culpability from where it belongs, on the shoulders of the predator.

I hope this clears up my intent with the writing and my attitudes thereabout. I welcome any further discourse on the subject.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

For a moment I feared some backlash for this poem. The subject is dark and very uncomfortable.

How can you write such stuff?! :-)

The critique, however, was thorough and balanced. It could do with more line references, but that's not needed.

Great stuff.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

I have always claimed I am a fringe poet. Poets often write of beauty, as do I, but I also write of the ugliness wrought by humanity. I am assuming that a first person depiction of a killer of innocense my be the reason for your first question. My answer is simply honesty. Don't think my skin didn't crawl while doing it or while depicting the girl in the fetal position in the aftermath. Much I've left to the imagination, so I can't be sure which abyss you looked into. I also feel her character shines and resonates more than his. My thesis is : we must protect the weakened. Us, you, me. This isn't meant to be a horror story, but a story of true horror. Thanks very much for commenting.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Forgive me for not commenting on the poem itself.But I can say the title is very suitable.The last stanza is the cherry on the cake.

However,my main reason for commenting is because I just fell in love with your line,

" Much I've left to the imagination, so I can't be sure which abyss you looked into."

It almost inspired me to write a poem--a least I got a title :)

I must also add that I followed the thread of comments on this work and I think you all are excellent.
-O'Zionn

I appreciate it, it's a dark write. Some good commentary for sure!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

but not due any froward subject matter. All things are borne by poetry.
But the language (mostly the rhyme) seemed to struggle at times. If anything I would have liked to see it even uglier if that's the direction taken.

However, that is not my job here.
I'm gratified to see eightmentout not shy from a bit of depth. Many fear the "mighty wall of words", but not I.
A difficult subject to critique, our critic slipped into the waters and swam. I would not add or detract from any of the discussion. Likes and dislikes were treated with the same gravity.
In defense I will say that a comma might have clarified the "katydid" line as a term of (perhaps) mocking endearment.

"in May(,) little katydid"
Otherwise, a successful critique.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

In the part where you critiqued the poem itself, I appreciate what you've said. If the rhyme scheme seems contrived it's going to kill the emotional connection that makes the poem work, which I most definitely would want to know about. I also put your words forth as an example of what critique should be. Honesty, no digressions, and all about business.

Thanks!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I often fear to say what I truly think of a piece as I can be rather straight forward and never like bruising anyone's feelings.
However, since open, honest and forthright critique is what I beg for regards my work, I go for it and hold my breath. I've enjoyed much of your work, I simply didn't like this one.
But then I've taken to being honest about my stuff more of late and I find that though there is much I dislike, I'm enjoying "enjoying" some of my poetry more because of it.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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http://www.neopoet.com/workshop/show-and-tell-intensive-critique-workshop
or by PM, as to how you benefited from the workshop, criticisms and ways future workshops could be improved,

cheers,
Jess
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