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eye level

eye level by Ron Woodruff (BD77)

He arrives in a puff of smoke
thick and deep as neck high kings
lungs inhale, reel and choke
blues weep, fight as slide bites strings
his non-presence and a will to invoke
-
Feet of the musician hit the ground
it's not only tricks and illusions
it's the visual intrusion
of hearing and seeing him pound
-
no candor
no glory
all story
-
just a collision of man with talent and experience
to trip us up
water to gin
in a chalice,
no, a cracked shot glass.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Your language, as always, is superb.

I liked the rhythm especially the third stanza. I do think the last two lines could use a little more of a dramatic break. Up to you,. just my take.

topic is great, sounds like you may still be playing in a band

Beginning and end are solid with exception of my note above.

Logic is consistent throughout.

Enjoyed it.

Scott

Scott

I was more going for an old blues player in the 40's or 50's, emerging like a spectre in some gin joint and an unsuspecting crowd. I'm thinking Son House, Howlin' Wolf, Muddy Waters, or Robert Johnson. Thanks for the kind things you've said, I appreciate it.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

and got what it was about, on third reading. Beautifully written, as usual. Maybe you should post something crappy to lower my expectations [grins].

The phrase "neck high kings" gave me a little trouble, my mental image was monarchs strung up after a revolution. Then again my mental images give me more than a little trouble!

Also "it's not only tricks and illusions". Why the word "only"?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Yeah, I can see the issues with the words and phrases you've singled out. Neck High kings, embarrassingly enough, is simply (like the title) and allusion to the horizontal plane of smoke gathering in the juke joint. "Neck High Kings are just the men who towered above the layer of smoke. The same smoke that was......'eye level'.

Cool critique, thank you.

Ron
Bluedemon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment
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