Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Red by Ron Woodruff with vocal link.

Red spoken word

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1geyZYnEHMh

RED for Clara Bow 7-29-1905--9-27-1965

by Ron Woodruff (bluedemon77)

In the daylight incognito
In the twilight hollow glow
In the nightime burning brightly
as it has since long ago
-
-
In the big and sprawling structure
dusty antique overture
naught but bedrooms still are vital
living lonely, clean and pure
-
-
a Canyon cashier steps outside
lights a cig, safe place to hide
there's a fire in hills beside
to the smoking site, he will ride
-
-
wrangling on Laurel Canyon dark
these childhood roads bringing a spark
a story heard as a young boy
an actress crying in the dark
-
-
At driveway the fire overdrives
overgrown snarl of trees survives
the fire leaps forth as leave daggers
and stops the second he arrives
-
-
All the boarded doors and windows
shed their captors an easy throw
as the front door creaks wide open
the boy knows where he has to go
-
-
through the window the house is clean
a mansion unlike he has seen
then upstairs he hears the music
he says hello, far from serene
-
-
At the window the candle flares
brighter flame as he nears the stairs
at the top a shadow forming
a pure white dress is what she wears
-
-
'I'm sorry ma'am' the boy stutters
'I saw a fire'....'shhhh' she utters
'travel with me kind child up here'
heart rate climbs from beats to flutters
-
-
He sees many pictures lining
staircase in the weakened shining
smells of angels musk beside him
in the door she rests reclining
-
-
'You saw my light, that's very rare'
her husky voice smiled into air
'could you love one hurt as me?'
'You're beautiful' is what he could share
-
-
She smiles and asks him to come close
He shuffles over to this rose
the graceful beauty, deepest eyes
he joins her in her chaste repose
-
-
'Scott', she inquires her face downturned
'How did you know my name?' he yearned
'I've been waiting so long for you'
She tells him as her tears fall churned
-
-
'Now you know the truth my sweet one'
'the rest is you could leave and run'
please stay you've asked nothing of me
only you darling, you're the one'
-
-
Scott missed not a single more day
cradled her his lips gently lay
she met his kiss and his embrace
azure tears, alabaster sway
-
-
'That's it, you do love me' she smiled
'I..always will' Scott says beguiled
another you before but still'
'you remembered the goal my pride'
-
-
She walked with him down hand in hand
at the open door stopped to stand
the candle fluttered twice then out
Scott hugged her, kissed the promised land
-
-
Scott went back the following day
the windows and doors boarded, grey
an agent said 'can I help you?'
'I thought.....she must have gone away'
-
-
'afraid not, this is long shut down'
'decades before I came to town.'
'do you know a Scott Manion?'
'That's me, he says, 'that you have found'
-
-
'strange the studio just found this'
she holds a parchment paper bliss
'names you owner of her estate'
' did you know her well? 'she insists
-
-
'I loved her and was there for her'
'others simply saw disaster'
'we shared one night and kissed so strong'
'I still feel those lips so tender'
-
-
'Well, Scott I'm not sure what you mean'
'but sign and soon you must be seen'
'at the office to sign the deed'
'the house is sound, we've kept it clean'
-
-
Scott lived there from that very day
packed and painted, every way
then one day he started to go
he saw the white note on his way
-
-
' love released from loneliness so'
'I could find peace, finally go'
'I can still visit with your will
'My love, my savior, Clara Bow

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is an older poem before I was so jaded. I hope you enjoy it.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I don't know what to say. This is very disappointing to me.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

especially to such a carefully crafted and thoughtful work, I'm sorry. I had to work my way up to this one, starting with "Rula's idea sonnet disparaging words as a means of expression of deep emotion". I didn't review the poems that were purely workshop exercises, you got good technical feedback on them.

The reason I had to work my way up to it was that at first it just didn't engage me. As an audio poem I think this could do with a slightly increased tempo. As a story poem I think you could get more finessed feedback from Wesley by entering it in his "Storytelling in Verse" ongoing workshop or in his upcoming workshop which will also deal with story telling poems. It certainly shows your development over the last few months.

I did a bit of research on Clara Bow, a tragic story, underpinning the failures of mental health treatment and the regular crucifixion of stars by the gutter press. There were no mentions of Scott Manion, is he an alter ego offering some sort of redemption?

A fine write, sir, and I must admit I understand the lack of feedback, it requires more understanding than most individuals here, including myself of course, possess.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Not in the workshop, but that hasn't stopped me before.

First, great voice. Second, great job of reading. You made it easy to sit back and "view" the story. I was a little surprised that it took 6 minutes to read, but it was worth the time.

As for critique, I think I say the same thing on each piece you write. It started a little slow. I have often found that you do this with a purpose. Someday I may figure that one out (with your help, of course). I lost the rhythm a little in S22 and S23 when I was reading it. Otherwise, a well told story.

Thanks,

Scott

Scott

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.