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"The Dome": Dactylic Hexameter quatrain- Ron Woodruff

The Dome by Ron Woodruff (BlueDemon77)

SCARS lock up | OUR o-pen | GASH-es clean. | SUCH does the | MIND mend life's | PAIN-ful breach:

MEM-or-ies | SPEC-ter like | STRIKE in sleep | BRING-ing past's | TOK-en mists, | PHAN-tom smell

WELLS-i-an | VEN-ture to | VIEW the once | KNOWN shapes of | GRACE-ful breast | STRETCH in reach

HAND grown cold | CHEST pal-lor | DRAINED to know | PAIN of loss | ALL too well.

Ron

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I like the content of this much better, and though I have checked, I'm still not sure I have the form completely. Please let me know what you think. I'll tell the truth, as loathe I am to give myself over to self-praise; I am very proud of this piece. Any additional metric flaws I will fix, but the body of this poem is cohesive in my mind. Thanks, Ron
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

And here I thought things were going so well.

Smiles

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Scars / lock up our / o-pen / gash-es clean. / Such does the | mind mend life's / pain-ful breach: (this can be scanned in a number of ways, but for the most part it is Dactyl)

Mem-or-ies / spec-ter like / strike in sleep / bring-ing past's / tok-en mists, / phan-tom smell (this verse works)

Wells-i-an / ven-ture to / view the once / known shapes of / grace-ful breast / stretch in reach (as does this)

Hand grown cold / chest pal-lor / drained to know / pain of loss / all too well. (“pallor” gives me a little grief as it does not read Phyrrically very well, but not problematic enough for me to scan it otherwise)

I would very much like to see you learn to use Advanced Formatting as it will eliminate what little confusion there is in your use of capitals.

Time to write a long poem… and I see you have joined Beau’s audio workshop, so I will expect to hear that poem narrated by your dulcet tones.

 

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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My Anapestic Hexameter six quatrain poem is now in Beau's workshop with a link to my reading via vocaroo. I've also included an older poem called Red that I like. I hope they meet your quality standards.

Thanks,

Ron
Bluedemon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I have a plan that is such a nutty mixtures of genre that I don't want to say anything about it until it's done. I don't know if I can do it in three quatrains, but there is no points off if we need a couple extra quatrains to tell the story, right? As for the spoken word, I'm a complete ham. I did plays in high school and college and often read my work to other poets. I shall do my best!

Great workshop!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

... was a requested minimum. I suspect you know how I feel about poems of some length. Scott once mentioned that he would truly like to write something epic. I told him when he had 20,000 lines to come talk to me about "epic".
I would love to read something by you that had some "real" length.
Go for it , please.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Three quatrains down, this may take some time but I will turn in what I have at the deadline of the workshop. I plan to work on it constantly until I'm happy with it. It's a polemic rather than a story worthy of epic, but I have something else in the works also that may fit. I'll see how it feels. I will indeed go for it.

Thanks,

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Jess has asked me to keep the workshop open until Beau puts some time on her audio shop. We are going to use the poems from this shop as the first experiments in the audio, so you have lots of time. Use it.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Will do!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

complex and meaning
vivid

Thank You!
(I enjoy all forms of expression as it was difficult early on to
reach into the abyss there for me....but Im starting to
enjoy what Im reading and I like this poem)

I deeply appreciate what you've said about this poem. You are one of the poets I follow and appreciate most closely on Neo and it's because you're just that damned good. Even with statements of success, I feel like I am struggling against form to say what I'm trying to say. Then again, constraints cause inventiveness and hopefully innovation.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

because the answer is not a nor b but sometimes c
that and water logic..the idea is to flow about
obstruction then to just bash through it..
I learned alot from books Eduard De Bono
saved my ass when I lost everything
before and then again..

but I keep pounding out poems too
its not easy....Im not always greatly happy
with some of them but I know
that another twenty four hours something
startling may emerge from my contacts
and one liners from my many people
and muses here in my day

most of my work comes from what
I experience of course
although imagination is a great gift
for some....Madness as reality
my friend said at work
a great woman co worker..

Its great to work with inventive people
like yourself Ron

Nice Plath too.

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