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Anti-Randology-Anapestic Hexameter by Ron Woodruff (bluedemon77)

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0wApGX3ajh6

ANTI-RANDOLOGY: Full Sequence by Ron Woodruff (BlueDemon77

For the LUCK-/y just SMILE/ for the NEED-/y please TRY/ when in MOURN-/ing do CRY.
Is it HARD-/er to SEE/ relatED /ARE we:/ we are KIN/ 'til we DIE.
We are BE-/ ings of Flesh/ we are TRAPPED/ in this MESH/ should we QUEST-/ion MORE?
for the CHILD-/ ren we HOPE/ on this GLOB-/al scope WE/ must spread LOVE'S/ airy SPORE.

We could TEAR/ at the THROAT/ of the WEAK/for a Grote/with a Snarl/as we Gloat
or could PAUSE/ as with GLEE/ let loose EM/path-y, HELP/ing un-SELF-/ish-ly ROTE
are we Jad/ed so Hard/we forGET/the last SHARD/of noBIL/ity's CARD/in the Deck?
and as Hum/ans have We/ VAL-ued/selfishLY/here in EARTH's/ falling Wreck

A will PLANT-/ ed we, NO-/ble enTREAT-/y to STUT-/ter us OUT/ of the DARK
all the CHOI-/ces we KNOW/ have no DIFF-/'rences THOUGH/ in the Cy-/cle of STARK,
an-i-MAL-/ IST throe./ e-ven THEY/ do not STAY/ in a STATE/ of deCAY/
for sur-VI-/val is VI-/tal to ALL./ Ayn Rand CAME,/say-ing "HARK-/en toDAY

I owe NOTH-/ing to THEE/as a COM-/mun-i-TY,/ is the Ul-/timate KEY/
though his-TOR-/y speaks DIFF-/er-ent-LY./All the EM/pires who SPOKE/
with a SELF/-ish dark STROKE/ have all FALL-/en e-VENT-/u-al-LY
for the CLAY/ in the LEGS/ bearing GOLD/ at the HEAD/ inevIT-/ably BROKE

this simPLE/thought, inDEED/overWROUGHT/is onLY:/"draw unTO/ME" see
it's not HID-/den at ALL/it's the E-/go-ist CALL/seen in CROW-/ley's dark PLEA:
"as thou WILT/be the WHOLE/of the LAW."/What of ALL/others FORCED,/dis-en-FRANCH-/
ised of COURSE./For the STRONG/are the SOURCE/right or WRONG/here inFORCE/their carte-BLANCHE

There is ROOM/ not for THEE/thinking AL/truistIC/ly for THE/encumBENT
to al-LOW/ in this WORLD/ LEST we/overTURN/the life WE / were so LENT
let the STRONG/ride a-LONG/as a GIV-/en thin THRONG/ all the REST/of us FLEE
to con-VENT-/ion WE/can't kneel FREE,/must esCAPE/this foul PHIL/osoPHY

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Nor sure if the vocaroo link is working, please let me know. All criticisms or blatant ripping apart are most welcome.....hehe.
Editing stage: 

Comments

fantastic on many levels. I really like the theme and your audio adds to the beauty. I really thought it's stunning.
Talking about the meter, I thought it's sometimes forced while I was listening to you but
I am no expert especially that Wesley is requesting a strict meter for the workshop, or you're not submitting this to the Bottom Line workshop?
Anyway, I have really enjoyed

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I am aware of the imperfections in the meter, but it seemed to get worse the more I revised it. I appreciate your kind words. I hope you enjoyed it.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

As writers we have a distinct advantage over most other "artists". The painter will fiddle with a work attempting to improve it until he/she has destroyed it.
The writer can fiddle all he/she wants as a return to a previous version is possible.
As for working on something and watching it degrade... been there, wrecked that.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Sorry, duplicate post.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I appreciate it. I've always enjoyed reading my poetry. Thanks so much for the workshop.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

A mixed meter poem mixing the "appropriate" meters. I wasn't crazy about some of the rhymes (I've been struggling to eliminate "common" rhymes from my poetry as well) such as "flesh/mesh" and the like, but the thing works for me. Below is what I believe a typographical error. We need to capitalize "And" as it begins the sentence. Many writers will begin a sentence with "and", but I try to avoid it if I can. "And" is a rejoinder that separates two "halves" of a sentence. Therefore, technically speaking (and you know me concerning the mechanical) it should not begin a sentence or be used twice in a sentence.

and as Hum/ans have We/ VAL-ued/selfishLY/here in EARTH's/ falling Wreck

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I appreciate your critique. I recognize the flaws but am proud of the challenge I undertook: Anapest/Trochee Hexameter with up to four internal rhymes per line and weighing in at six quatrains. I also firmly believe in what I wrote: That the Randian 'objectivist' philosophy is a simple re-iteration of the Crowley/LeVay mystic branches of satanism. I'm not religious but I recognize identical concepts. I'm proud of the poem and may revisit the form if an appropriate project comes to me.

Thanks,

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

You really make life hard for yourself, and in this case your pains are rewarded.

For others who might visit this page I've taken the liberty of removing the parsing formatting and posting the poem here.

I have also taken the liberty of recording it myself at a much greater tempo, sorry for the stumbles, my tongue just wasn't up to it in places. I hope you like it.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0ZXx3CP7cwv

I love this piece! Courageous in content form and style. You prove it is worthwhile to cause ourselves grievous psychic harm in stretching our boundaries.

Anti-Randology

for the lucky just smile for the needy please try when in mourning do cry.
is it harder to see related are we: we are kin 'til we die.
we are beings of flesh we are trapped in this mesh should we question more?
for the children we hope on this global scope we must spread love's airy spore.

we could tear at the throat of the weak for a grote with a snarl as we gloat
or could pause as with glee let loose empathy, helping unselfishly rote
are we jaded so hard we forget the last shard of nobility's card in the deck?
and as humans have we valued selfishly here in earth's falling wreck

a will planted we, noble entreaty to stutter us out of the dark
all the choices we know have no diff'rences though in the cycle of stark,
animalist throe. even they do not stay in a state of decay
for survival is vital to all. ayn rand came, saying "harken today

i owe nothing to thee as a community, is the ultimate key
though history speaks differently. all the empires who spoke
with a selfish dark stroke have all fallen eventually
for the clay in the legs bearing gold at the head inevitably broke

this simple thought, indeed overwrought is only: "draw unto me" see
it's not hidden at all it's the egoist call seen in crowley's dark plea:
"as thou wilt be the whole of the law." what of all others forced, disenfranch-
ised of course. for the strong are the source right or wrong here in force their carteblanche

there is room not for thee thinking altruisticly for the encumbent
to allow in this world lest we overturn the life we were so lent
let the strong ride along as a given thin throng all the rest of us flee
to convention we can't kneel free, must escape this foul philosophy

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

You made it sound far better than I could. Your taste in the pacing of the work was impeccable. You read it much better than I did. Thanks again!

Ron
BlueDemon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment
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