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Power

Power

She Loved me like a lightning bolt
caressed me like a breeze
She softened the electric jolt
with bloodstained melodies

She met my naive wondering
with worldly teacher's tone
she took the distant thundering
and made it all my own

Her kiss was urgent, ravenous
Her lips a velvet hook
Her deep set eyes were cavernous
with hidden pleasures look

Her body valleys mountains seas
Her smell opiate mist
Her hair silk tentacles of pleas
her secrets to be kissed

Her absence is a void left sore
Her missing hurts the worst
this vacancy was seen before
I'm not the last or first

The hurt is palpable in time
its aches congruent beak
she gave me soul pain's noble rhyme
so I in time could speak

Sometimes I think of her still yet
It's smiles and Mayday sprees
despite the razors, no regret
I've known rare ecstasies

With time and with mere circumstance
I'm blessed and joyous too
by fate's design or just by chance
to know the Power that's you

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
My attempt was alternating iambic tetrameter then Iambic trimeter all with an abab rhyme scheme. I believe the rhymes are all exact and the goals above have been accomplished. Please let me know if anyone finds a mistake. It's so easy to subjectively miss my own mistakes.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Her smell (an) opiate mist would help the flow

Her lips a velvet hook strange image, but I like it

Her body valleys mountains seas prolem with not having conventional punctuation is this could be read as 'Her body valleys' instead of Her body, valleys, etc

to know the Power that is (that's) you would make it flow a tad better.

Her hair silk tentacles of pleas another cool image although I kept reading it as 'please'

Sometimes I think of her still yet a bit awkward, a forced rhyme

It's smiles and Mayday sprees 'It's' has no referent, perhaps Her, The or Our?

this seemed quite accomplished to me, the metre's crisp and the rhymes varied (not all one syllabul) I enjoyed reading it and my crits are minor ones
all the best
ross

Thank you Ross,

Each suggestion you have made is worthy of consideration. I did the 'opiate mist' line that way to attempt keeping the alternating iambic trimeter, iambic tetrameter scheme. There are currently lines that I feel are not as strong as they could be and none of your specific critical points were dealing with any conscious aesthetic choice of mine other than the one listed above. You've given me a lot to think about. I appreciate it. The "sometimes" line especially strikes me as 'precious' which is only above clever on my "disgust-o-meter' .

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Not even the opiate line Ross mentioned.
If I noticed anything odd, it was your use of the word quatrameter. I've never heard the term. I have always called a line of four feet tetrameter.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Yes, you are correct. I can't explain the mistake, I've been working with metre and form poetry for many years. Overall an embarrassing failure of my knowledge base. Thanks for the kind statement and bringing the mistake to my attention. I'm glad you're back around. I've always had the feeling I could learn a lot from you.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I parse

Her smell |op i |ate mist

a comma or dash after smell may help, but will still not be iambic… imo it doesn’t matter, unless you want it perfect, lol cos it is apart from this line

 - cos I know you meant to write

‘to know the Power that’s you’

 

one typo

‘She softended the electric jolt’ - softened

 

love

‘she gave me soul pain's noble rhyme ‘

and 'her hair silk tentacles of pleas'

 

great write as usual ron

love judy

xxx

 

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I greatly appreciate your constructive criticism and kind words. I was thankful for this poem as I'm in the midst of a slump where I despise what I've been writing lately. I liked this one, but it's the first in awhile. To see what I'm talking about look at "Detritus" in the stream. I meant to do a very experimental metre scheme but ended up with a bucket of dung. It was the first work I've submitted that didn't receive a single comment, nor do I think it deserved one.

As far as the parse, I intended "HER smell OP i ATE mist' in that metre though I know the emphases express themselves naturally and I could easily be wrong with that line. Thanks for the very kind statement about the opiate line not making any difference but for sure I'll be working on it until I get that perfect iambic flow.

I'll change the typo immediately.

Again thanks very much for a very thorough and valuable assessment of this work.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

opiate smell amidst...

xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

i quite like this. you made me want to continue reading. alas, i have forgotten how to correctly critique the quatrameter and technical blahblahblah but i believe you have accomplished something here! haha nice write.
yours,
mag

I appreciate everything you've said here. Thanks very much!
I like the lyrical flow of it and I think it accurately depicts my feelings toward whom it was written.
I can't thank you enough for the kind words. :)

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Or Disneys Cruella Devile
something about the supra ego of the alpha female
dangerous

or the psyche of POWER
that is neither male nor female
the ego is not about sexuality

but Ive been around women who
make me melt
with one intelligent line
or look

yes the tentacles

dare I say Power is
more more more

Thank You

Esker, You really have to stop hacking my mind like this....hehe. You've pretty much dissected and quantified what my poem is about. She was singular but you've nailed it. She was a talented poet and singer and not conventionally attractive but to say it bluntly, I wanted to swim in her chemical stream for as long as she would allow it. More bluntly yet, I wanted to occupy her stink for as long as she would let me. It was psychological with a biological chaser.

Thanks much for the astute and fantastic read and comments on my poem.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

only addition to thoughts was the "an" but I see
its been included to help the flow of this magnificent
poem Ron..

All I kept seeing was age..how men age and use the
scalpel of Vanity to keep looking good
All this from watching the television shows
if Vanity to me was a woman urging me to keep my youth
so she would still play coy with me
or toy with me

Which got me thinking here too
If I won money I would fill the potholes from acne
that I had horrible as a teen..(there is a substance they
inject to fill the depressions) have laser work to fix
the blemishs and spot...Have a chin implant for sure
(I have a weak chin) soften my nose or reduce the
bump on it. Repair my teeth or have them pulled
for a good looking false set...(at this age despite the
gov backed dentist paperwork its hard to get dentists
her to deal with ODSP forms..they hate waiting for
their payment and only cover basics)
I have two upper missing teeth from pulling a good back
tooth for pain medications...I got two pain pills that time
instead of the twenty some before for a rotten tooth
same dentist...he must have just known
so my jaw came together better and pushed out
the top ones from the bottom jagged teeth I have
They got loose infected and had to be pulled

See Vanity...For me this is a love
all from poor self esteem
but that reflection be it from a mirror or from others
fills a shadow that I can relate too in this write
how the pain is a feeling

I know this is about power
and how everyone thinks its yeild is something
and somehow convienvent and easy to handle

its not.....power trains most people
Ive tasted a small portion in the past
and without discipline and good backing
in ideals principles etc
the Ego pushs the concience aside
and struts in and sets up office

I am just a man
imperfect from the get go

I greatly enjoyed this poem and like the
Medusa Referance too

Thank You!

The woman that this was written about was definitely an Alpha, but after she made the first three moves even I couldn't mess it up...hehe. I'm not an overly confident person but I am able to contain most of my turmoil internally with no exterior show. When I speak to some one I look them in the eyes and I've earned some trust and respect in myself over the years I guess. I don't know that I'd change myself that much. I guess if I ever get a turkey neck I might think about it, but I'll gladly wear my scars and wrinkles. Thanks for such a nice open post.

Thank you Sir!

Ron

BlueDemon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Couldn't figure out which ex. does this piece meet but I've enjoyed it anyway..
It is both sad and creative.
Nothing to offer.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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