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Neglected Apple (Complete Poem W/S)

While idly wandering
eating an apple
I remembered my friends
and had to grapple
with the needs of time
and perhaps make amends

We were supposed to meet
at the aquarium
to see the sharks
near the eclectic eels
I made utmost haste,
alas too late
‘twas the eels fault
their electric jolt,
had messed my internal clock
(normally kept in my sock)
it was now past ten
missed them then.

The apple meanwhile had felt neglected
so while I loitered at the aquarium
it became maladroited
and took solace not at a sanatorium,
but instead a local shady solarium.

Poor apple.

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Comments

this could work well as a good example of internal and ending rhymes especially the last stanza.
Why don't you share it in Wesley's workshop where all the participants would give you more valuable comments. You won't regret it.
I like the title and how you led the story's subtext to the end.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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though it was written in such a flip spirit, it would seem almost disrespectful, especially since it contains a blatant misuse of the language.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Care to offer any specific suggestions?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

If I have read it right, there is message between the lines about what haste and mad rush can do and in the bargain we lose logic & common sense, ignoring fundamental values and losing track of the purpose. It is always a learning experience reading your writes with abstracts which I need to de code by reading them more than once before they start making sense.. Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

ok, I'll definitely enter this in Wesley's workshop.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I like your using an apple wrinkling to convey time passing. Just for fun try trading eclectic everywhere you wrote "electric".
Stanza 3, l-1 try changing rejected to neglected.
Overall an enjoyable poem.............stan

What was I thinking when I wrote 'rejected'? (I won't give that a lot of scrutiny, too close an inspection of my mind has driven several therapists into therapy or floristry, it's not a safe neighbourhood)
And the first electric certainly changes, adds a lot, the second is kind of necessary.

Oh, by the way, what did you think of the poem?
Thanks mate.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

See what happens? I start concentrating on suggestions and forget to say anything about the poem itself lol. I enjoyed it and think a lot of free versers could benefit by seeing that a free verse poem Can benefit by limited use of rhyme. And to those who say I lost My mind, i just tell them it's easy to lose small things...............te he...........stan

It has a good message- subtext as I said. It only needs an emotional touch, but who cares? I guess this is a women thing. Romance kills us, so pay no attention to what I say (((smiles)))

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

emotion doesn't have to mean romance but this could have included feelings about myself, my friends and my environment, even the apple.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I enjoyed this poem - I read it a few times - to see what Raj had seen - the moral is "to me" don't neglect a good friend - or become side tracked to the extent of neglecting them. ( in this case the apple ). because once that happens the friendship withers and they will go else where! - this is kind of a follow on comment from Raj.

I sooo like these kinds of poems - they take more effort to understand ( though the reader might not come up with the right interpretation ) but they get the brain cells working. ( in my case brain cell ). te he

As Stan has said - I like the limited use of rhyme and the skilful use of language to get your point across, i.e the eclectic eel - ( they serving as a time consuming distraction ). if my interpretation is correct.

Critique: I'm really hard put to find any - which is annoying because it's something I'm trying to get better at.

I agree with Raj's last statement:

It is always a learning experience reading your writes with abstracts which I need to de code by reading them more than once before they start making sense..

Love Mand xxxxx

You know in a very real sense there is no wrong interpretation of a poem. If the poet writes it with ultra-clarity devoid, of any ambiguity, the interpretation might be that the poet is an ungenerous control freak. I believe that once we allow our poems to be read they are no longer ours, they belong to our readers. Although just once or twice I have got thoroughly annoyed when I felt people totally misinterpreted my poems. Just once or twice, ever.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

That's a nice way of looking at it - I'll take that on board - and keep that for future reference.

LOve Mand xxxx

On my phone, so this will be brief until later. A nonsense piece with depth. I like it for all the reasons above.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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but here is my attempt.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1EPGLlKjPBk

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

thankyou, Wesley

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Wohoo! Brilliant!

I should learn to read poetry well. :(

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

eclectic eels, Oh! what have we come to:-

Eclectic
denoting or belonging to a class of ancient philosophers who did not belong to or found any recognized school of thought but selected doctrines from various schools of thought.
Well no wonder the eel upset your equilibrium and made you neglect your prime directive of meeting someone and eating an apple.
You never did believe in a higher authority hence eating an apple as a direct pose against a long founded history.
As to taking to rhyme well you did a good job of it.
I am looking forward to it being spoken by one of the poets here..
Take care young Jess we will visit you if they let us..
Yours as always Ian.T, influenced by Sparrow

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

This is as quiet as it gets...and I'm still learning how to properly read poetry.

https://soundcloud.com/jesse-jojo-johnson/neglected-apple-by-weirdelf

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

I find the the dry delivery very apt.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Hi Naughty Elf!

'Bout time you lightened up...been away, so I missed the second/ third coming of the Elf...

Liked most of it...except for the too-clever-by-half rhymes in the last couple of lines.

...think the apple in some way represents original sin...a bit Miltonesque for me to analyse this late at night (nearly 1am in Blighty)...but i'm putting the idea out there.

As you know, I'm an irritant to your savage salve.

Ells x

I would never deny an allegory or allusion too quickly, who knows what rises from the depths of my monstrous mind? However I would never purposely make a reference to original sin except in a highly disparaging or mocking way since I regard the concept of original sin to be the most vicious and filthy lie ever perpetrated on humanity.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Yup, it's in that tumult of gestalt thoughts all right. Why an apple? Why not a banana or orange? But it did rhyme nicely with grapple!

I like the treatment Wesley did to your poem, his cadence was flowing. Might have a go at recording one or two things...

Ells x

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