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Eyes With No Girl (with audio)

Join me in the danse macabre,
my dear,
to the music of my creatures
of the everlasting night.
You are fair enough,
dark enough
your black velvet handcuffs
haul me into
an inversion
of romance,
the pain comes first,
the joy thereafter
seen only by
the eyes with no girl,
all in remembrance.

The road to death is petalled with regrets
and the scent of sensual sin
lingers... a caress within.


It is unusual to be able to view the whole process of a poem's writing from inception to first draft but this was written in chat on Facebook so you can see it there.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Wrote this in chat with a couple of friends on Facebook whilst updating my cover photo.
Editing stage: 


This is great on so many levels! It makes me think of thoughts going through a sadist's head. The remembrance of sins already past or maybe thoughts of what he would like to do. Many, many ideas coming from this! I like the deliberate vagueness, not the straight-forward violence of "Killer", but the delight in thought. "Seen only by the eyes with no girl, all in remembrance". ~ Gee.

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Interesting story of the writing of it. You can view the entire process from word one to second draft on Facebook at

Neopoet Directors

author comment

This is a beautiful write all the way through!!! My eyes just floated over every word
I love how the end ties this eloquent and poignant poem together with what appears to be a paradox ie the sweetness of sin remembered; evoking the inverse moral code of the so called virtuous who suffer the vainglory of Eros abandoned in the hopes of some tinsel paradise.

thought you might like this one.

See my comment to Guy about the writing of it. It turned out so well I thought of whacking 'cellar door' in there somewhere (it wouldn't be hard) and submitting it to the workshop.

Neopoet Directors

author comment

Okay :)

of the poem, you draw us in with a kind of Faustian sexual fantasy. Nice pace.

I get lost at the end, as I just can't wrap my head around the image (and title), the eyes with no girl.
Not the girl with no eyes. I keep getting this Dali like idea of eyeballs...i loose the sensuality...
Forgive me!


I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

we can not control others' readings of our poetry, for example I had no sadism in mind as Guy read it. Yes, you've probably heard the song 'Girl with no eyes' by It's A Beautiful Day. Not eyeballs, but eyes floating in the dark, haunting but not grotesque. Maybe undertones of the Cheshire Cat.

Neopoet Directors

author comment

Your poem makes me want to cast aside restraint and join in some pagan revelry on a summer solstice eve!

The eyes with no girl

One of many lines that are thought provoking! But that's the beauty of poetry.

Love the flow of dark sensations. To me, nostalgia and regrets.

Wow, some new members take months to work up the courage. Onya! Thank you.

I love your reading of my poem. Sometimes the feedback I get makes me wonder if they were responding to another poem! Paganism, nostalgia and regrets. Love it!

Check out Stravinsky's 'Rites of Spring', apparently it caused a riot when first performed!

I will check out "Tiger-like" and "Islands" when I can.

Neopoet Directors

author comment

You're welcome! The feedback I've already gotten on my first submitted poem has me really turning introspective, wondering for the first time if my subconscious mind/muse/id/whatever might be telling me things about myself that I'm uncomfortable with. I always thought of poetry as word association, and since psychiatrists use that approach, maybe there's more to poems than I thought.

But, hey, above all else, they're still fun!

Once a 'fan' of my poetry did a full retrospective of my work, noting dates, and diagnosed my Bipolar Type 2 where decades of shrinks had failed. When I mentioned it to my therapist at the time she did the full head slap and 'of course, yes, how could I have missed it?'. Not to blame them really, I self-medicated both my depression and my hypomanic states.

It can be scary but it hasn't caused me to censor myself... well no more than I would anyway [grins]

Neopoet Directors

author comment

is that absinthe played a role, but that's too perfect. This is velvety smooth jazz. It reminds me of David Park Barnitz's Danse Macabre---want decadence? Check that one out, free online

Absinthe did not play a direct role but I am no stranger to that particular poison it has played a part in my style in general. Just lucky it's so bloody expensive or it may have killed me by now but we get the real thing here; I understand it is illegal in the US.

Thanks for the praise, I'll mosdef check out David Park Barnitz's "Danse Macabre", which, incidentally is the title of Steven King's non-fiction work on the horror genre.

Neopoet Directors

author comment

One of the most viscerally unpleasant things I've ever read was "Pet Sematary". And that 1979 movie with the Supernosferatu, "Salem's Lot". He sort of liked it, I guess.

"The eyes with no girl" is an awesome hook and because it has such power I think you need an equally powerful finishing line, which isn't easy obviously. So the only criticism I have is that the last line (only) is a bit drippy for the overall strength and novelty of the poem. Very cool

I wonder if your considered the double entendre of 'a caress within". Maybe you did and that's why you found it drippy [smiles].

Listen I would be really grateful for any suggestions here, I'm stumped, even if they involve more lines. Many poets hesitate to make concrete suggestions but I have no problem with it. If there are enough concrete suggestions that significantly improve the poem I would offer a co-writing credit.

Neopoet Directors

author comment

Crikey I'm on the spot now. Croc poo. I think it's because the last 2 lines half-rhyme or whatever the term is. I'm thinking about it. Maybe you wanted that softer effect at the end. I haven't come up with a better one yet...except that ...."your black velvet handcuffs haul me in" and put the "to" on the next line seems more like a better action. I'm thinking about it lol

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