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Living truth (parsed, revised and recorded) (Sonnet workshop)

I live and die by my integrity
as much by stirring shit for fun alone
awaiting better things, imperfectly
and so my work is never nearly done
The arrogance is clear to all who see
To make a change in other's work belies
a heartless sod who cares too much to be
yet who could blame my care for more than lies?
I blame and shame and censure all of you
would you do less? I care for prosody
no stronger art in all the world that's true
less than truth is less by far than parody

And yet my life is all that I can crave
far more than shadows on poor Platos cave.

 

I LIVE | and DIE | by MY | inTEG | riTY
as MUCH |  by STIRR | ing SHIT |  for FUN |  aLONE
aWAIT | ing BETT | er THINGS |, imPAT | ientLY
and SO  | my WORK |  is VERY |  nearly DONE

The ARR | oGANCE |  is CLEAR |  to ALL |  who SEE
To MAKE |  a CHANGE |  in OTH | er's WORK |  beLIES
a HEART | less SOD  | who CARES |  too MUCH |  to BE
yet WHO  | could BLAME |  my CARE |  for MORE |  than LIES?

I BLAME  | and SHAME |  and CRIT | iCIZE you
would YOU |  do LESS |  if YOU |  CARED for |  PROSoDY?
no STRONG | er ART |  in ALL |  the WORLD  | that's TRUE
LESS than |  TRUTH is |  LESS by |  FAR than |  PARo | DY

And YET |  my LIFE |  is ALL |  that I |  can CRAVE
far MORE |  than SHAD | ows ON  | poor PLAT | os CAVE.

https://soundcloud.com/user536630132/living-truth

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I know the meter is way off. First quick draft. Open to suggestions.

Yet strangely this feels like one of my most honest poems.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

"awaiting results, believe on not, breathlessly"
Am I right to say "on" here is supposed to be "or"?
"see" and "live" doesn't rhyme, that is if I follow Rula's lesson on the rhyming pattern.
You're short of 4 more lines for the sonnet.

Alid

You've missed a full stanza jess.The one which decides your volta.
Seems you're really thrilled.(smiles)

Lunch time:) I'll come in an hour or so to see what you've added!!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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The problem is I see just the one stanza when the quadraints are mot separated.

Alid

thanks Rula

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

meter is still stuffed up, but think it flows.
The volta is, I think, in the last 2 lines.
Open to more suggestions.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

more work to do. I haven't written in this form for many years.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

wouldn't it better if you separate the quadraimts to make them more visible for the sonnet form so that the rhyming scheme will be more clearer? its a little difficult for a novice to see it in this current form.

Alid

now

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

actually the first 12 lines should not be separated,
only the last two lines should have a line break, but i hope it helps.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

I'll see if I can come up with suggestions or we'll just let the experts do the job. After all, I'm not good in the meter as well..

Alid

when I choose.
The difficulty is explaining it. Regional accents are bad enough but if English is one's second language we can only refer to a good dictionary.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

I LIVE| and DIE| by MY| inTE|griTY|
and AS| much BY| STIRRing |shit for |fun
aWAITING|ing re|SULTS, be|lieve or| NOT, breath| LESSly
and THEN | my WORK| is VE| ry NEAR| ly DONE

As you can see there are meterical problems in line two and three.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

The A|rroGANCE| is CLEAR to ALL| who SEE
To MAKE |a CHANGE| in O |ther's is| WORK be|COMing ( A FOOT IS MORE)
of a |HEARTless |SOD who |CARES too |MUCH to |BE (HALF A FOOT IS MORE)
yet WHO |could BLAME | the CARE| that's MORE| than LI|ving? (HALF A FOOT IS MORE)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I've tried to help with on Neopoet. Use a really good dictionary and it will help somewhere show where stress should be, using phonetic spelling. An English dictionary, but what language are we speaking?
Southern states Americans speak with a French form of accent. Yankees use their own just by being ornery bastards. And we have African, Spanish and and other accents to deal with.
The The Oxford dictionary is the standard and always will be.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

ONE LINE IS MISSED

I BLAME |and SHAME |and CRI |tiCIZE| to YOU
would YOU|do LESS|if YOU |CARE for |PROso|DY? (HALF A FOOT MORE)
the[re] IS |no STRONG| er ART| in ALL| the WORLD |that's TRUE (A FOOT IS MORE)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I will work on it, thanks Rula.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

And YET| LIVing| is ALL |that I |can a CHIEVE
To THIS | beLIEF| is ALL | that TRUTH |can LEAVE

I agree this is a very honest sonnet and very much like you jess. I think you need to give more thought to your volta. I like your theme and will be watching the progress on the metrical problems first.
Let's do it one stanza by one. I will be out with the kids for few hours.
Tonight will come back.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

constructive criticism to offer, only a comment. I am pleased to see that even a master of the art, can be stumped by this form! This thing is giving me fits! ~ Gee

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

it is where you should start the volta. It should be on the nineth verse.
Coming too late (in the couplet) doesn't give it the turn you wish. (IMO)

PS.Are you still working on the lines with meter problems that I have parsed for you in each stanza?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

and thank you for the excellent parsing.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

that the volta can come late - as with the final couplet in Shakespeare's LXXIII , or even at verse 14 if the poet is skilful enough - an example of this is Philip Sydney's Sonnet LXXI

too tired atm Jess, to comment on your write - I will do a MacArthur :)
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

beyond merely Spenserian. Artists have used and abused the form for centuries. What we're attempting to produce are "original" sonnet forms. In other words, the form's beginning.

As for stanza breaks... they may clarify things a little, but traditionally Jess is correct. The first twelve lines are a wall of words with only the envoy separate.

An excellent format for a sonnet if you can get the meter under control, but you at the least are doing what I wish everyone would do. Pony up with the rough draft and start a conversation.
That's what the Shark Pool should be all about.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

This shop has made it abundantly clear that I suck at parsing. At least we can both write badly in this cussed form lol. But I Can still count syllables and, thus, feet fairly well so I can comment on that. Here goes :
S-1, l-2 short one syllable
S-2, l-4 one too many syllables
S-3, lines 3 and 4 ditto.

Each time I read a good sonnet which Doesn't sound forced or convoluted I can only envy those who seem able to write sonnets so easily

I know where I went wrong, partially on purpose. Listen to the music of the words. You don't count syllables. I am not saying I have much to correct, I do. And will soon.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

i LIVE | and DIE | by my | in -TEG | -rit –Y
(third foot pyrrhic)

and as | MUCH by | STIRR -ing | SHIT for | FUN
( first foot pyrrhic, the rest trochee , half a foot missing)

a -WAIT | -ing re | -SULTS be | -LIEVE or | not, BREATH | less -LY
(six feet, very out – only one and six iamb)

and THEN | my WORK | is VER | -y NEAR | -ly DONE
(perfect iambic)

The ARR | -o -GANCE | is CLEAR | to ALL | who SEE
(perfect iambic)

To MAKE | a CHANGE | in OTH | -er's is | WORK be | -COM -ing
(six feet - fourth pyrrhic, fifth and sixth trochee)

of a | HEART -less | SOD who | CARES too | MUCH to | BE
(extra half foot – no iambs)

yet WHO | could BLAME | the CARE | that's MORE | than LIV | -ing?
(perfect iambic, but with an extra unstressed syllable at the end - a feminine line – not allowed in this workshop)

i BLAME | and SHAME | and CRIT – | i -CIZE | to YOU
(perfect iambic)

WOULD you | DO LESS | if you | CARED for | PROS – o | -DY?
(five and a half feet and trochee and pyrric))

there is | no STRONG | -er ART | in ALL | the WORLD | that's TRUE
(6 feet – just drop the first – then perfect iambic)

LESS than | TRUTH is | LESS by | FAR than | PAR -od | -Y
(five and a half feet – trochee)

and yet | LIVing is | ALL that | i can | CRAVE
missing half a foot – again pyrrhic and trochee)

FAR MORE | than SHAD | -ows on | POOR PLAT | -os CAVE.
(mixed)

----------------------------

i love the theme ...
hope this helps
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

says it all, but I also know this is a rough draft. Just the sort of thing I want to see.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

'''I live and die by my integrity'''

I spoke with Shakespeare in my dream
at me he did scream
'man go read me
all the titles are
all my first lines
if you have any doubt
go and ask my rep ....Jess...
now who ever you are
Loved or not get out
here comes Jess
you say now you are Lovedly
wait till you hear him curiously

'''I live and die by my integrity'''
Title may so it be

but promise to do so soon

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

I'm not going to make any changes.
This is a post-modern sonnet.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

Then I'll crit the content....
Great write
Full of verve and what I can only describe as anger
It's not the right word, but I can't really think what I mean. Enthusiasm too is wrong - also frustration ... maybe a mixture of the three... it certainly set up an emotion in me - I think Plato's cave was the crux... seems to set up a sense that you feel you may never get your point across

Lol - don't give up on us Jess.... we'll turn our heads one day, you'll see
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

few people get my real intent as you do.
Sorry to throw a spanner in the workshop though.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

Especially having received such fine critique, thanks especially to Rula and Judyanne, parsing is not fun work!

It still contains several metric flaws, the emphasis on contains.

I've also added my, admittedly optimistic, version of the parsing.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

A good time to critique this work but there is nothing to say about the form or content just the theme.
It ends up talking about Plato's cave, now was this reference a reflection not on the wall of the cave but on the wall of life??
Where, what we have encountered in our lives, is the truth, and is real, or has this life been a picture thrown by self indulgence against the wall of reality regardless of what truth is..
Hey that's good for this time of night Eh!
Such a double edged sword I would have loved to talk to Plato, among others but that's life again, one day I shall walk with him along a beach as I will with you, and we shall talk of reality again,
Yours, as always, Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

I am familiar with the story, I just think it may go deeper than that which it is described.
If you live in normal life with blinkers on, you will believe as many do, that what you perceive is all there is to everything. (Not that you do thank goodness).
I am not sure of the thinking behind this "Allegory" some of the writers of old could see more than many of their time.
I think the story is the base for thinking men to adapt their ways to, by looking outside of their surroundings and seeing what is really there.
Take care young Jess, we have a long way to journey yet,
Yours as always Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Just those three lines of that last stanza
what do you think of?

i BLAME | and SHAME | and CRIT | -ic -ise | YOU...
- half an iamb out
i BLAME | and SHAME | and CENS | -ure ALL | of YOU

would YOU | do LESS | if you | CARED for | PROS - i -DY
would YOU | do LESS ? | i CARE | for PROS- | i - DY

LESS than | TRUTH is | LESS by | FAR than | PAR - o -DY
to LESS | -en TRUTH | would BE | a SIMP | -le PAR| -o -DY

goodonnyuhmate for coming back to this... did you enjoy it after all?

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I've taken the first two suggestions verbatim. The third I preferred flawed with meaning intact.

Yes, I enjoyed and it was well worth coming back to,

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

I wanted classically done sonnets from a modern perspective. Relevant.
Thank you. As Mr. Authority Figure I forgive the few instances of license for effect.
The punishment would have been a shark nibble, but...

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

kinda chuffed myself.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

jess. I am happy you decided to join, and though you did only one sonnet while most of the other sharks did two, I am still satisfied in a way.
Everyone's participation counts.
Thank you

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

It was fucking good work, deviations allowed deliberately.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

Sorry, if I looked less flattered than I should. I feel a bit down today. You did really well...Nothing wrong in expecting two sonnets from sharks, aren't you a big shark? :)
Sorry again.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

from the depths of the ocean. I swallow boats.
I gave what I think is my best sonnet ever, including purposeful deviations from form to strengthen it, whilst being involved in the most active AC since the very first one (which I Chaired).
Hence my whine "damned by faint praise".
You are forgiven.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

A question Jess, I noticed that you put the "too" in

" a heartless sod who cares too much to be"

as unstressed. Shoudn't it be a stressed word?

Alid

I have chosen to play a little bit loose with form here. Listen to the recording and tell me if you think it works, I decided to start my volta a little earlier than planned, so the inversion of meter purposely reflects that.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

I think it works.

Alid

the meaning is correct.
To elucidate, the line means that one can care so much, too much, that it becomes problematic to even 'be', as in exist. I care too much to exist in what I often see as a foul and filthy world.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

though it is not necessary to the understanding of the work,

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

the writer, feeling "too" much to be able to continue to exist. This is not suicidal ideation, it is dramatic expression.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

author comment

Glad to see you have joined the workshop. I am late to your post, but have learned much following the thread.

Thank you,

Scott

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