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Flashback [First Poem WS]

The storm had passed
wreaking havock
so it seemed
'til the birds roused from their nests
clouds made way for sunshine
blades of grass lushed the fields
a gentle breeze heaved a sigh of relief
so I thought.
before I realized it was my breath
hope had survived anguish.

I crossed my heart
feeling blood flow through my veins again
so it felt
watching the rapids rush through ravines
I whistled to the tunes of the river song
then paused to listen to the echoes
but there were none.

The Sun was dipping on the horizon
the sky turned crimson to grey
the storm was brewing again
in solitude I shed a tear
enough to drench me to the core
in memories of storms
we had weathered as one
before dancing naked in the rain.

Where are you?
come brush my tear
I can't hold onto it forever...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
This one is an outcome of vividly feeling the emotions of a friend who and her love of life parted ways through some circumstances and she remains in unconditional love with him.
Editing stage: 

Comments

thank you for your encouraging comment...good to know it lived upto your expectations..

much love to you too...

raj (sublime_ocean)...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I've been waiting for you to post a poem.
And I am not dissapointed; this is wonderful, the title, the cadence, the theme, all appeal to me greatly.

Two things...

"wrecking havock"

should be

"wreaking havoc"

and

the word till should be 'til, a contraction of "until"

But these are simply spelling; I cannot stress how good this is, particularly the ending, which reinforced the metaphor, for me.
well done, and welcome back.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

thank you for your appreciative comment and pointing out errors which i've now got corrected...nice to know you found the write appealing ...especially the ending..i feel happy to be back again and appreciate comments and critics from fellow poets and friends which truly serves the objectives of a workshop the way it should be..

warm regards...raj (sublime_ocean)..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

thanks to Jim...i got a couple of spellos done right in the edit,,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

How I missed you guy and nice to come across this one tonight. I loved the meter in the flow here and it's image so fine. A favorite of mine you know and you rocked this one of the ball park. I hope all is fine by you and miss you much.

Love Magics Mona from Florida
xoxoxo

so good to hear from you Mona ...i missed you too and all folks here on this Neopoet family...good to know you liked this write and as always appreciate your sincere well meaning comments..right now i am much too busy ...

with much love and hugz...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Hello dearest JayCee...so good to hear from you after a long break....good to see Neopoet back up and running thanks to the relentless efforts of Andrew, Paul, Rett and the team....good to know you liked the poem...your comments are always welcome...in fact i got this pome done in a hurry due to eagerness to get something up here because right now i am much too pre-occupied with my son arriving from Canada after a littlle over six years...and his engagement ceremony coming up tomorrow...

shall catch up with you and the posts of others from time to time...

with much love and hugs...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

good to know you liked it..sorry for being late in acknowledging your comment...just been way too busy....

warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Woow! what a wonderful writer you are!! I loved all of it. I'll be back to read more of your work!!

Well done

Love Mand xxxxx

thanks for your visiting this write and your words of appreciation....sorry for responding late...i been just way too busy...so good to see everyone back again on Neopoet...

with much love and hugz...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

"tunes of the river song " my favorite of many descriptive lines.........scribbler

that one is one of my favourite lines too....good to know you liked it....

warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I whistled to the tunes of the river song
then paused to listen to the echoes
but there were none

particularly appealed to me and the ending pulls at the heart. Excellent job!

always, cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

very good to hear from you again....your comments are always welcome....thank you ..

warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Was this you first poem ever? How old were you when you wrote it?
Whatever, it is very fine work.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

Though not my first poem in the truest sense...it is the first here in Neopoet when I started witing more often than before...I was 57 y.o. at the time.

Thanks for the read and your comment..
.................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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