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Cleansing [Implied Imagery WS]

The street was deserted, Nothing moved
in its calm surround.
A steady drizzle trickling, the only sound
breaking silence, before a cloud burst unleashed
heaps of hail on the barren street,
streaming into free flowing rivulets
cleansing the path,
in diffused light of the stars.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

You write well enough Raj
While the last lines feel expansive and poetic in gesture for me they are prosaic like a thousand landscapes I've read before. It feels like you want to write something vital, yet you remain in search of a vision. Your poem feels incurious, a perfunctory ritual. What about the contours of your inner life?

Best always Z

for taking time to read and express your views. Noted that you found this a lot short of your expectations.....i remain an amateur on the learning curve....appreciate your critique...
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Some thoughts: Poetry can be dangerous., like a sword, It doesnt have to be genteel
Think of literature and cinema. Is it not about touching the souls of others though the power of words, self reflection and the projection of magnanimous force. Read the beat poets like Howl by Ginsburg or Exit Wounds by Ocean Vuong or see El TOPO by Alejandro Jodorowsky, shake things up, be free, Don't let convention trap you, make poems what you want them to be, If you like think Avant-garde. Modernism, Metaphor, love, desire, unrequited love, hate, pain, loss, sex transformation, spirituality, They are all part of us Include them in your Poems. Poetry is big enough to encompass all, It is a form of expression, so express! Don't worry about failure. don't write with fear You have the right to do your own will, to be authentic No one can be you Raj but you, so write it out.

Bubble bubble toil and trouble ;)

thanks Zebra for the tips...obviously the likes of you are well read which I am not, though I should be. Besides English not being my mother tongue is a shortcoming I keep trying to overcome...learning is continuum..
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Hindi, no doubt, so you are doing remarkably well. Are you Hindu or ???

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems

Indian...Hindi is not my mother tongue either though it is a national language...India is as diverse in its languages as its cultures...
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

got it I was curious

don't delete this but it's a bit early for submitting shop poems. Now this Will be a good one come time as it has effusive imagery......stan

Noted Stan....may be I was eager to get started...
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

kindly explain
Stan read
ZEBRAS
more appropriate may be
only to me could be

Snagged again by me being misdirected by myself ...HaaHAA hAA eeeeeek ;)

Critique is welcome Zebra...feel free...
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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