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Threnody

Cracked glass
unmelted beneath
a blackened sky,
Where to begin
on such a day?

She died.

What to say,
about such a life?
Rose red petals
wilting out on the floor.

So promising, yet so forgotten.

Regret is a tempest,
tearing at the soul,
a path of self-loathing
and destruction left behind.

She loved him
like no other,
saw the good
through the bad.

Loved without a price.

Invisible cloak
of pain, one last cry,
a broken heart
unable to mend.

His name on her last breath.

No, he would never be the same.
Visions that haunt in the night,
driving him from his bed.

The drying tear upon
a lifeless face,
the cooling of her hand
resting in his palm,
Expressionless eyes
that knew what he had done.

The tears threatened to come.

He had taken for granted,
this precious gift,
one he cannot replace.
There was a time
he thought her worthless,
disposable like yesterday's trash.

She was measured by
his narcissistic standards
and borderline tendencies,
forcing her to betray herself,
the impossible to please.

Still she tried,
but to try is to fail.
She had done so miserably,
beginning to believe he was better off.

His happiness meant more
than her life itself.

Storm clouds bellowed,
in impotent rage,
as they lowered her
in the ground.

Yet, he hadn't cried.

What was there
left to say?
The words,
they wouldn't come.
Can't change the past,
what's done is done.

The only one
who ever loved him,
now was gone.

Reaching for his phone,
as he walked away,
on to the next one.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

To me this is a great piece of work, the feelings entwined within the words
Gave out a good story, one has to feel such a depth of feelings to write so. Loved the title..
Take care young lady and well done, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thank you. This piece took time even in a rough draft form. It was a very emotionally charged piece for me. I will be reviewing other submissions tonight once the house is quiet.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

... the house is never quiet.
I'm only going to address my proofread and your vocabulary for now. After I have had some more discussions in the main body of the workshop about content I will return.
Oddly, I could find nothing amiss. I say "oddly" because you are usually good for a typo or two. Not this time. I also would suggest nothing concerning the vocabulary. Nothing needs to be expanded.
This is a very good example of the sort of poetry you write and perfect for the shop. I have some thoughts concerning it as a whole, but will keep them for now.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I am pleasantly surprised. I took my time with this, chose words carefully. Even the title was chosen with care. I searched for synonyms instead of using common words or the slang I usually produce. I am not sure if this is elegant or not but definitely was good to write.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

As you know I read this one in your blog I am so happy to see it here as a whole its an excellent poem

now just my first thoughts ---

Cracked glass, --- I would remove the comma here
unmelted beneath
a blackened sky. --- and place one here instead of a full stop
Where to begin
on such a day.

What to say,
about such a life.
Rose red petals
bleeding out on the floor.
So promising, yet so forgotten.

Regret is a tempest,
tearing at the soul.
A path of self-loathing
and destruction left
In its wake.

She loved him
like no other.
Saw the good
through the bad.
Loved without condition or price. --- I felt this stanza was a little cliche [it maybe just me]

Invisible cloak
of pain, one last cry.
A broken heart
unable to mend.
His name on her last breath. --- for me there are way too many full stops in this stanza it impeades the flow in my mind

ok I did this on Stans poem I will have to do it here im stopping before I repeat myself again and again
I really think the punctuation needs some work it maybe just a style thing or how I read but it can be improved in my opinion

Now onto my further thoughts, I think your language use was excellent and the theme really spoke to me I think with more edits this will become a polished gem

nice work hun

much love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thank you for the suggestions, I wish you could hear it the way I read it in my mind. Punctuation is always sketchy with me....I think because of the way I talk. When are we supposed to make the edits?

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

LOL I am really not sure when we have to start editing our poems I was only saying that somewhere else tonight, when I find out I will be sure to give you the heads up hun

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Don't wait. There will be new subjects that will draw us back to the poems.
I can't comment on the title as I'm awful with them, but the suggestions on punctuation are spot one.
Also, I agree that the stanza is a little cliché, but I also think that cliché is a viable tool if used sparingly.
You decide.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

The one line is cliche and I will be editing later on tonight. I will also make the punctuation changes as I always need help with that. I am glad the poem has been received well.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

One thing I'd change is to put a question mark at the end of line 5 in 1st stanza. Hmmm...
S-2,l-4 try changing bleeding to wilting.
S-7, l-4 I would divide this into 2 lines where you placed the comma. Would add impact to "it was done."
S-10 l-3 Same type division as above for same reason
S-11,l-2 try changing murderous to impotent

That last stanza was a slap up side the head in showing how callous the man is. I don't usually like these darker writes but this one is good enough to overcome my bias..............stan

For the great suggestions. I will be editing over the weekend. I am glad you enjoyed this. Unfortunately it is based on real feelings, however, I tried not to make it as dark as my other writings. I am hoping the feeling of sadness on the part of the deceased was felt and I am glad you saw how little the man actually cared. Thanks again.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

This is how I read your piece. My thoughts are on the punctuation and lination:

Cracked glass
unmelted beneath
a blackened sky,
Where to begin
on such a day.[I would remove the full stop]

What to say,
about such a life.[?] [I'd remove the full stop and replace it with a question mark

Rose red petals
wilting out on the floor. [remove the full stop
So promising, yet so forgotten. [ change the capital 'S' to small 's'

Regret is a tempest,
tearing at the soul. [a comma instead of the full stop]
A path of self-loathing {a small 'a']
and destruction left
In its wake. [a small 'n']

She loved him
like no other. [a comma]
Saw the good [small 's']
through the bad.

Loved without price.

Invisible cloak
of pain, one last cry.
A broken heart
unable to mend.
His name on her last breath.

No, he would never be the same,
the vision that haunts
him at night.

The drying tear upon
a lifeless face.

The cooling of her hand
resting in his palm.
Expressionless eyes
watching him, it was done.
The tears threatened to come.

He had taken for granted,
this precious gift.
One he cannot replace,[ remove the comma]
though there was a time
he thought her worthless.
Measured only by [ a small 'm']
his narcissistic standard
and borderline tendencies.
Forcing her to betray [ a small F]
not him, but herself.

Still she tried on
until there was nothing left
but to fail, believing he was better off.
His happiness meant more to her
than her life itself.

Storm clouds bellowed,
in murderous rage,
as they lowered her
in the ground.

Yet, he hadn't cried.

What was there
left to say?
The words,
they wouldn't come
Can't change the past,
what's done is done.

Reaching for his phone,[remove the comma]
on to the next one.

Only my take of course and how I read your emotional piece.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I will be doing more editing this weekend. I have a three yr old with the croup and ear infection so when she fallsaasleep, I will revisit your suggestions. Thanks for the read and insight.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I made some significant revisions, using everyone's suggestions and my own ideas. I am interested to see your take on this.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I haven't broached this subject in the shop yet, but will. This is one of the better poems you have written for a very specific reason. Your sentence structure. Whole sentences completing whole thoughts makes this poem attractive to look at and attractive to read.
I want you to try something for me. It's difficult and I suspect you have made the attempt before, but I want you to read the poem as if you were someone else.
Some of this is not crystal clear. It doesn't necessarily have to be, but I think some of it could come across more readily understood without interfering with the whole "mysterious" thing.
Much that is slightly confusing is explained in the last line, so we simply must be patient. Some of it is simply confusing. Read it as you were on the outside looking in. Often we are so close to the material that we instinctively "read between the lines".

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Are not clear? Which doesn't make sense?

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

It's very "poetic", but what is the cracked glass and why is it important it is not melted? It sounds good, but what does it mean? I don't want you to "spell it out". A bit of subtlety is good, but I need to understand or I'm just reading elegant language. "Internal logic" means it must make sense. If not right away, then sooner or later. All I see is the glass on a Snow White type coffin. If I'm on target you succeeded in getting your imagery across. If not you did not fail per se as perhaps I'm not sharp enough (I'm not degrading myself, not everyone will understand every poem), but someone must understand or you spin wheels.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Cracked glass...the woman killed herself...hence the bleeding out which I changed ...slit her wrists, broken glass everywhere...like shards of ice...hence unmelted...maybe it is obvious to me because of how personal the poem is.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

It is clear to you. I didn't grok it. Don't change the stanza. Add something. The words "she died" carefully placed will guide us. Take me with you.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I added the line. Had an accident n have some injuries to my right fingers but I can tap on my tablet and phone.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

With two words you put my mind into the middle of your subject and suddenly the rest of the poem makes perfect sense.
Now.
The important part is not that "I" see it, but did you? Did the addition make sense to you as clearing up the "internal logic" or did you add it only for me? I need this awareness to translate into your next poem and all others following. I need you to read them as if you were utterly clueless as to what the poet is talking about, then explain it to us.
Poets are not stupid people. The intellect comes with the territory, but other audiences are not so blessed. We must treat our audience as though they were a collection of idiot savants- brilliant, but unable to grasp sometimes the simplest concept. Give them a clue and the rest will come to them as an avalanche.
Does this make sense?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

eliminate the chance of having something called "dark poetry"
Your touches come like a magic, when very few can do it, or figure out what's wrong with it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Makes sense and I like how it sounds. I added it to make the poem better, I like this poem. It is dark but not frightening. It's realistic not a crazyquilt of emotion. I have bruising to the nerves in my hand up to my shoulder..bastard airbag...so I cannot type,much at once. I will come back.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

There is an organization that I very much like here. Not a lot bleeding out. It is still emotional, yet in a way in which I may share in the emotion. Bravo, darling.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I received alot of good feedback and implemented the changes. I am glad you like it. It has been a rough week, I am now sick on top of sore. Is there anything else I can work on?

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

From the first write to todays write which I have now just read again, the improvement is subtle but the poetry now shines..
A good workshop!!
The theme is great and your words have now conveyed it to us in a great poem well done..
I hope all the bumps and aches have healed up and the little one is better, it is really hard to do much when children are around you.
Take care and look after yourself, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

ThAnk you for the visit. I am glad you can see the changes. I received alot of great suggestions, without any name calling or hostility which made it easier to implement the changes. Going to be a slow process to heal the nerves in my hand and arm. The kids are better, now I am sick. Thanks again for the 're read.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Then I will have some thoughts on the subject.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Give me a little time to study the poem and the concept. What is the time frame to complete this? I have school tonight but will work on this.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

The workshop is essentially over, but I'm going to use the time remaining to talk about some things I've wanted to discuss generally for some time. Just think about the ideas and let them simmer. Your poetry particularly would benefit from an awareness of phonaesthetics and not necessarily euphonics.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

far from being elegant and as you know from reading my other works, my language is far from it as well. I have been using a dictionary for synonyms and better sounding words, hence the title for this one. The word "lament" was far too boring and I didn't feel it had enough power behind it. Look up Threnody. I like the definition. I will be looking this over as we will all be snowed in tomorrow and I am off from work.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

My reading.
Please forgive faults and errors,
I'm trying to do a reading for everyone in the workshop.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1NqIpbRb3CK

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

This is sooo cool!

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

[grins]
Hope it helps. I suspect even when I falter in the reading might give an idea about scansion.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I am trying feverishly to get vocaroo to cooperate with my kindle since I saw this last night. I am going to try on my laptop this evening after school if I can get some quiet time to listen. I very much appreciate you taking the time to develop an audio of this. Audio readings put so much feeling into a piece. I was listening to a recording of Hesse's Steppenwolf over YOUTUBE the other night. One of my favorite books, I have the movie and was listening to an excerpt. What a difference sound makes! Thanks for the read.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I am trying feverishly to get vocaroo to cooperate with my kindle since I saw this last night. I am going to try on my laptop this evening after school if I can get some quiet time to listen. I very much appreciate you taking the time to develop an audio of this. Audio readings put so much feeling into a piece. I was listening to a recording of Hesse's Steppenwolf over YOUTUBE the other night. One of my favorite books, I have the movie and was listening to an excerpt. What a difference sound makes! Thanks for the read.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Spoken word is so Powerful!!!!!! Your voice is fantastic!!!!

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1zK4wEFThY0

Now, there are still some grammatical problems left, but I fixed only one. In the next to the last line I eliminated "as".
This is one of the best pieces you have produced. Please note I said "produced" and not "written". One of the reasons it is so successful is its finished nature. It is a complete poem (pun intended). No typographical errors, no misspelled words, few grammatical faux pas.
It proceeds from point A to point B cleanly and in an organized fashion. It looks good on the page. With a few adjustments this is publishable.
I hope you understand.
I am immensely pleased.
That's a bit arrogant, but there you are.
Look for the slight errors in grammar. Some are easily forgivable, some are not. When you have looked I will point out what I found.
Well done my protégé. Well done.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I am sorry for my absence. As goes the story of my life, things have been complicated. I am feverishly trying to get vocaroo to cooperate and load onto my Kindle so I can listen to Jess and you. I hope Jess reads this and knows he has not been ignored. I am anxious to hear how both of you sound. As far as the piece goes, this was one of my favorites to write and not just because it is complete. There was a lot of well thought out emotion put into it. The only thing fictitious in the poem, is the death of the girl. Everything else was based on truth. I am going to try vocaroo on my laptop maybe this evening when I get home from school. Providing the kids are asleep and I can get some quiet time to listen. Please bare with me. I am really glad you are pleased. I haven't been very creative lately, sort of emotionally numb. I am glad you took the time to keep coming back to this as I felt it was a worth while piece as well. Thanks again.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Was amazing!!!!!!!!!! Your voice is incredible. As far as grammar, I could hear some run ons and places that need punctuation.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I don't know how I missed this one, but as is said, better late than never. If it is inspired by a true story your empathy is profound and felt every step of the way, and as i read through line by line word by word I could hear the sounds of a dead heart beating through you...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you for the read! There were so many great poems in this workshop, I know I missed a few myself but thank you for reading now. This was inspired by true emotions, based on a very real, torrid, almost toxic relationship. In real life, the woman did not commit suicide but this was her interpretation of what would happen if she had. Once again, thank you for the read and positive thoughts! Glad you enjoyed!

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

It is good to know that this is based on "what could have been" episode, It was pretty touching,

Warmly,

raj (sublime_ocean)

there's a story packed with emotion here.I love it, Carrie.Well done.

Alid

This was by far the best poem I have written. I have Wesley and all the others to thank in helping me polish this. Glad you enjoyed.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment
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