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Sunku 9

Lonely
In a room
Even when not

Time
Moving slow
Empty walls

Drift apart
Daunted
Unknown

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Great poem!
I am thinking about the last stanza.
Haiku has often unexpected and surprising ending.
Maybe we should use this approach in Sunku as well.

IRiz

I tried hard with this one to stay in form. How did I do?

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Lonely
In a room
Even when not

This stanza is brilliant , love it
For the second one , try this maybe?

Time moves
slowly
Empty walls

We drift
apart and
still connected

OR

Time moves
slowly
we drift apart

It hurts
because we
are connected

Or for the third stanza

We are
on a bitter
side of love

For the name maybe I suggest
bitterness?

IRiz

A little gem. I really enjoyed it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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To work on the form but glad the read was enjoyable

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Well... from what i read ...one is allowed to compromise to an extent in the syllabi count. You have in fact not exceeded but shortened it...

.....

raj (sublime_ocean)

If we could mix syllables around. I thought it was very uniformed

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

That's what I read somewhere...not sure....checkout with IRiz/Weirdelf
.....

raj (sublime_ocean)

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