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Thank our Creators

Submitted by raj on Thu, 2015-11-12 11:02

Thank the two for their creation
to whom we owe our existence
if not the fun they'd that day
we would not be here today

Whatever be they had that day
thank the two for their creation
may be a toast they raised that night
that helped them to get it pretty right

A boy, girl or would there be twins?
crossed fingers and sweet dreams
thank the two for their creation
for some nine months of abstention

the zodiac claimed he'd won in bingo
his aries, taurus, virgo or scorpio,
for being none in real form or mutation
we must thank the two for their creation

If it wasn't for the fun they had that day
we wouldn't be writing or rhyming today

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

alidzain

Thu, 2015-11-12 13:17

alidzain's picture

Good rhyming, By the way the word ''Creator'' in the title is misspelled.

Alid

raj

Thu, 2015-11-12 13:42

Thanks Alid for your time, comment and pointing out the spelling error

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

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emeka ozurumba

Fri, 2015-11-13 05:25

emeka ozurumba's picture

very lovely and tone.

Rula

Fri, 2015-11-13 10:56

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A lovely writing. Seems you've adapted the "quatern" form to your own way re the rhyme scheme and the syllable count.
I see some lines are longer/ shorter than eight syllables and need a bit of tidying, otherwise a very competent piece indeed.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

raj

Fri, 2015-11-13 13:19

Thank you Emeka and Rula for your time, visit and comment.

You are right Rula, it was an attempt at Quatern but as you very well know I am no good at these structured formats. I therefore knew there would be some errors on that front.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

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Rula

Fri, 2015-11-13 15:16

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You are good enough raj and the proof is that only in a couple of places you missed the right syllable count. I don't think that the rhyme scheme is strict in this form.
Looking forward to your revisions

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

raj

Fri, 2015-11-13 15:18

I don't remember Rula what the syllable count for this form is. I was not counting them when I wrote this one.

Appreciate your persuasive encouragement, as always,

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Rula

Fri, 2015-11-13 15:28

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It's eight syllables for each verse/line

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Sparrow

Fri, 2015-11-13 19:23

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A good write, and follows the form that I cannot remember the name of, but as Rula says Eight silly bulls per line is asked for but I didn't write the rules, lol.
I like this form it can be very expressive, there was a workshop on it some time ago..
Take care and keep writing, Yours Ian ..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

lovedly

Tue, 2015-11-24 21:49

lovedly's picture

i don't know syllables... as busy as I am

ancient poets had to pass time,
no radio
no tv
no cinema
now Ipod and tripod what not
but one fact still does remain

unless under the sheets we transfer our contains
nothing can a woman contain
or gift in nine months
since ages there has been no change
global warming or not
all under air-conditioning is same
and
friendly poets here
it's well known as the love game
and
of that there is no sin
no shame
don't feel lame
blow the flame
and
then be the warming candle flame
a new butterfly has come down lovers lane
have vanilla
keep your cool
don't change
but
still warm remain

raj

Wed, 2015-11-25 12:50

Thanks Lovedly for your time and read

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Seren

Thu, 2016-02-11 11:51

Seren's picture

I have to say I was surprised when I looked for some poetry of yours and I had to go to your profile to find your most recent, I do hope your keeping well I have been away so much myself that I am out of touch I do hope your well and I hope to catch up with you very soon

I adore this one my friend it san along in my mind and I was swept away on it

much love and biggest hugs Jayne xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

lovedly

Thu, 2016-02-11 13:50

lovedly's picture

Raj and you in one booth
long time no see
vast sea

scribbler

Thu, 2016-02-11 19:53

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I'll begin with first stanza, line 3. I think you meant to say if not for the fun.........DANG! I just realized this is a sonnet and I'm so bad at writing them that I don't feel right critiquing other who dare that form.......stan

raj

Fri, 2016-02-12 12:50

Thanks for stopping by Stan. If you say you are bad at sonnets I am worse ..the mere word sonnet makes me shaky...lol...besides honestly I am no good when it comes to stricter forms of poetry

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

alidzain

Fri, 2016-02-12 13:37

alidzain's picture

I don't realize that because the first line is not in iambic meter. Still, you did get the format right.

Alid

lovedly

Fri, 2016-02-12 14:13

lovedly's picture

rather than condemn or critize
I could never compose a sonnet technically
but don't worry many know balls about it only
ababcdcdefefgg=14 lines
iambic tiambic etc is for exams

Before you turn
my urn
and
make a tree out of me

Read me
My poetry
My messages to unknown humanity
let me one of you be
like a bee
read me kindly
so that many more are born like me
Humanity needs
Folks like me

raj

Fri, 2016-02-12 14:54

I do read yours too Lovedly but you are right...not as often as I would have liked to...i will try to read more..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

raj

Fri, 2016-02-12 14:52

Please read my comment. It was not even thought of to be a sonnet. The mere word Sonnet gives me nightmares, after having given it a good try and the frustrations of not getting it at all right...Structured strict form poetry is for the proficient ones like you...me just an amateur...

Thanks for the visit..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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