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Tears 1
What is a tear but proof that the soul cries.
The less fortunate are smothered with lies.
They are tormented by life’s inequities.
Driven to the brink of existence and berated.
Living in a reality that is filled with hatred.
Hatred of place and position with only despair.
Hatred of life and personal condemnation.
Can a tear wash away the hurt and the pain?
Provide a new source of pride and regain,
a sense of personal power and hope to repair.
So tears are the temporary relief an escape
from internal suffering too hard to bear.
The gift of rain is natures answer with care
to cool the parched earth on a summers night.
This rain of compassion allow us to sustain
the deeply felt sorrows the soul retains.
We walk this precipitous path alone
human and flawed with our sins to atone.
Suspended between life and death always sustained
by our immortal soul soothing our sorrow and pain
tempering our way and guiding our heart.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I made a major restructure of the poem tears I will still need to work on some of the phrasing, etc.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Candlewitch
Sun, 2016-10-09 11:49
hello,
nice to meet you!
your poem about tears starts from a personal stand point that all readers can relate to. then you take it to a higher level of awareness...which I really like! I think that your title is fine and your word usage stimulating. I very much like the theme. thank you for this excellent write!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Candlewitch
Sun, 2016-10-09 11:50
hello,
nice to meet you!
your poem about tears starts from a personal stand point that all readers can relate to. then you take it to a higher level of awareness...which I really like! I think that your title is fine and your word usage stimulating. I very much like the theme. thank you for this excellent write!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Candlewitch
Sun, 2016-10-09 11:51
hello,
nice to meet you!
your poem about tears starts from a personal stand point that all readers can relate to. then you take it to a higher level of awareness...which I really like! I think that your title is fine and your word usage stimulating. I very much like the theme. thank you for this excellent write!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
uglywill
Sun, 2016-10-09 15:46
To Cat.
Thank you for your review. I have just started reworking poems I wrote a few years ago from free verse to a more disciplined poetic form. I need to work with a group to learn how to improve details and incorporate classic poetic forms.
Bill
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