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Marble Analogy
At my desk in Playa del Carmen, Mexico like much of the small villa,
it is marble one-inch thick smooth, cool and solid,
dissolved and fossilized polished to a brilliant crystalline finish.
I marvel at its finish marked with millions of crustaceans.
It inspires me to appreciate that we are like that
marble still being polished and integrated.
We are like the crustaceans milling around, a new species
lacking direction and moving in random patterns.
How many millions of years will it take
until we are solid and indestructible creatures
that can sustain and support the weight of our future?
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Sparrow
Sun, 2016-10-02 19:21
Uglywill
If this is tidied up a little and put into a poem form it will shine like the marble,
Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
uglywill
Sun, 2016-10-02 23:49
Critique
I read your reconstruction of my brief prose. I can understand the improvements on rhyme and meter and the improved detail for the reader. I wrote 100 poems (prose)) like this in two years without any poetic background or training. The idea here was to connect the marble I was writing on and its permanence as a reflection of how long it takes to establish strength and how we as advance ameba have a long way to go. I liked your poem. I am not sure it delivers what I wanted to say or has the same impact I wanted to achieve. I will take a long look at similar prose I have written to see how I can achieve both impact and poetry!
Thanks, Bill
author commentSparrow
Mon, 2016-10-03 04:00
Bill
I wrote a general write with your theme but as you say the image of those things where they overlap us or image us I didn't go into that side very much I just showed another way of setting out a poem , I have no doubt that you write and think much differently, this was just a guide to presentation it would take much longer to rewrite your complete poem capturing the finer details.
Take care and look forward to reading some of you other pieces,
Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Esker
Sun, 2016-10-02 19:50
Marble is beautiful
we use a lot of granite here
no crustaceans...a bit before
their time.. billion years
crystalline creatures...
Diatomaceous earth
use it in road painting for
reflective..or they used too
Limestone is flat grey...but
cool too see the shells
in its surface....I hope we
survive as a species
Thank U!
weirdelf
Tue, 2016-10-04 10:16
I am starting to like your work a lot.
You are staunch in your style.
Everyone is telling you to be more poetic, yet poet you are.
I would suggest, as almost everyone else has, that you learn some poetic techniques, yet your work stands alone.
We will be running more workshops soon. If you don't care to join, don't. Do have a look in though. Everyone can learn.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
uglywill
Sat, 2016-10-08 02:05
workshops
How do I join workshops?
author commentweirdelf
Sat, 2016-10-08 05:59
New workshops start every so often
they are listed on the homepage.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry