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Comparison
Last night I sat on the balcony of my Villa
in Playa del Carmen, Mexico
above the mangrove jungle high enough
where mosquitos can’t fly.
On a brilliant clear night with thousands of stars
scattered over the heavens, like fireflies on a summer night,
the closer you watch the more they flicker and fade.
You know that some of the light has traveled
from before, the dinosaurs were extinct.
Still they flicker, such energy both excites and bewilders
challenging our senses and predicting our destiny.
We are like stars in transition, atoms waiting to be reassembled
in some new space or time and restlessly flickering on and off.
High above the mangrove jungle
on the balcony of my Mexican home.
I watch the stars blink and wiggle.
The sky looks like a giant dome
it is cool, peaceful and serene, time stops.
Some of those stars were sending light
before the extinction of the dinosaurs.
Yet they still flicker and fade brilliant and bright
I wonder in amazement star and pulsars
Energy that excites, bewilders fills the night
challenges our senses and reveals our destiny.
Just like stars, we are atoms in transition
waiting to be reassembled in some new galaxy and
restlessly flickering on and off.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This is a comparison the first poem was written two years ago just sat down and out it came.
The second one is a quick attempt to put it in the form that seems to be closer to poetry as defined here.
I am trying to describe an analogy between the stars and human beings energy never lost just existing forever in new forms and combinations all just atoms indestructible!
Editing stage:
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Comments
Sparrow
Tue, 2016-10-04 03:38
Will,
Now here you have seen the difference between the narrative and poetic works, this is where Neopoet teachers bring us, to tell our stories in poetry.
I think that this is a great step in showing the changes without loosing any of the meaning of your writes, this is our goal here.
Now try to find a mentor that writes in the same them area as yourself with the knowledge of poetic form..
Bringing in rhyme and Meter to your work it is a very different world to us.
I was never taught poetry and just wrote and as you had many pieces of writing more suited to a story than poetry, the number I have, is near 2000 pieces, so I have my work cut out to adapt those stories.
I am now running out of time to ever think of completing such a task, and for us old ones to change is not an option lol..
Take care out there, and keep writing, Judy in Australia may be a good mentor for you if she has the time.
Yours Ian.
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
jane210660
Wed, 2016-10-05 04:56
An interesting write.
An interesting write.
Interesting in that the subject matter is so vast and you capture the timlessness and enormity of it. Also interesting, because initially I read the first version and thought - some lovely imagery, but not particularly poetic. I read on and found your second version, which is a great illustration of how revisiting a poem and editing can make such dramatic improvements.
One slight further edit I would make, would be to remove the comma on line ten and replace it with and. it would then read 'energy that excites and bewilders fils the night'
Just a suggestion, please feel free to ignore.
I like where you are going with this poem and enjoyed reading both versions. Jx
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