Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

A Sweet Morning's Medley

little pink pj's
filled with wiggles
oodles of sunshine
tickles and giggles

impromtu stories
of schoolyard foes
grippingly told over
cereal bowls

slippers and sandals
squeak 'cross the floor
"linolium" sounds funny
to a kid of just four

saturday loose, quick,
grab a camera
dad's dancing in pajamas
too good to lose

as mom sits back
siping through smiles
moments like these
are gathered and filed

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I love these moments, cherish all that I have been a part of! I'm so glad that technology let's me record them all and keep them online for the future! The photos and VHS tapes of mine and my twin brother's young childhood wear out and so do the VCR players, but I'm recording the next generation on a smart phone digitally, hopefully where they'll last much longer.

And your family (I assume) has their moments saved in your poetry. I think that's wonderful and a great purpose for poetry, to remember.

If I could make a suggestion, I think the rhyme scheme starts off so solid and perfect for the topic, that I had hoped it would continue throughout, but the fourth stanza doesn't fit your otherwise ABCB scheme. I suppose the trouble is that nothing useful rhymes with camera! Maybe rearranging the stanza could work?

What do you think of something along the lines of:

quick, grab the camera
no time to lose,
dad's dancing in pajamas
always ready to amuse/grandparents sure to be confused/usual silly dance moves /etc

Hope this helps. I'm sure you know you don't have to use my suggestions if you don't want to!

Happy Holidays,
Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment. Neopoet is a workshop and is designed to share your poetry, receive and make critique of the work posted, and most importantly, for you to evolve as a poet.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

I agree , the 4th stanza is out of kilter with the rest
I hoped its spontaneous excitement would camouflage it
but you are not so gullible!
I like your suggestions for it and will think about the final line, but your ideas might just do the trick.

thanks for your thoughts

p.s. I too have a fraternal twin...a sister

and Happy Holidays to you,

Al

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.