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Could This Be True?

I first became intrigued when she said
she wanted to teach sign language at a
school for the blind

she thought people who spoke
with a British accent did it because
English was not their native tongue

she figured by attending enough spin classes
she wouldn't fly off into space
if Earth stopped spinning

she wished she had a twin sister
so she could know twice as much
or half as much...she wasn't sure which

she said she wasn't get married
because her other boyfriend would get mad
and not allow his wife to be in the wedding

she looked bemused when hearing my cat
was named George. "Cats should have feminine names,
and dogs, masculine ones", she scolded.
No explanation was offered
I dared not ask

I told her that a "gone fishing" sign
did not necessarily mean one had gone fishing.
It usually meant "fuck it, I no longer give a shit, I'm outta here "
she said, " oh, that's so silly," but her face was saying,
"boy, you are fuckin' stupid,"

I immediately realized that thinking I was stupid
could be a real boon to me
Having a leg up on me in the brains department
might cause her to drop any remaining inhibitions,
and unwittingly become an even greater treasure trove of new material .
I have no scruples when it comes to stuff like this!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

these days as I'm about to do here, Al. This has all the content of a quite remarkable piece but the structure is letting it down bigtime. You nearly get away with it with the random seeming rhymes, half-rhymes, snatches of strong meter leap out and fall like a firework whose fuse fizzles. But it ends up sitting the fence between poetry and prose and Confucius say 'Man who sit on fence get splinters in bum'.

The meter's the thing. That first line is strong iambic tetrameter. Imagine if it and the next line were iambic pentameter, the third a snappy trimeter or less (I've already donne it in my head). Same shape for the next five verses then make that expositional ending... I dunno, a solution for that hasn't come to me but I bet it will to you if you engage with the form of the thing. I think the piece is worth some extra work.
Wodayareckon?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

yes, the meter is very inconsistent between the "stanzas"
They were conceived and written as separate pieces, never intending to become a single poem, but just to be on the same page...like a bunch of haiku, or aphorisms

although each stanza could use a meter tune-up in themselves, your idea to give them each a similar form would really make the piece stronger.

I will spend some time on it to see if I can pull it off.
thanks for the nudge, and insight

Al

author comment

give a shit, about the meter; let it be prose! This was funny as can be. It made my morning. ~ Gee.
.

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thank you muchly Gee
I tweaked some of the "stanzas" a bit in edit
basically the same , just a little tighter

glad to have amused

Al

author comment

First I really enjoyed reading, was like a stand up doing "dumb blond" jokes from the 50's (not PC anymore!) and I was anticipating the finale which didn't disappoint.

Jess brings up a very big subject of late. In my workshops, in the publications, this sort of writing is becoming common. See the whole "chapbook" thing happening. To many, poetry is becoming a new form which is quasi poem quasi prose, written to look like a poem rather than a "prose poem".
Jess is right, the poem would be better delivered as a poem in a rhyme scheme with structured meter. (like odgen nash,) the humor is doubled by the rhyme.

So its not a question of the content, its the form in this case.This type of presentation is so much part of the poetry scene today that to criticize it for most younger poets (millennials etc) would be blasphemy. This is how they write. Meter is not considered, as its more of a performance, A poem to read out loud in a conversational voice. Like a good poem should be like someone telling a good story at the bar, filling in with some metaphors and images.

So Jess, you and I better get in line, like it or not we will be seeing alot of poems like this, it's part of the culture of writing today. But I agree that for most writers it is like an artist beginning his career with abstraction, and never learniing how to draw. It' s too damn easy.

But you, Al, are above that, proven from you many fine poems here, and you pulled this off better than most because it is so funny, and the timeing and pace is just rght.

But the large question remains. At what point to we start to narrow our criteria for "poetry" and accept prose done poetically in some way or other that looks like poetry? I'm still working on my answer.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

you are always interesting to read, whether your poems, or comments.
this was enlightening to me; i.e. the new kind of writing and presentations, the blend of prose into poetry.

so glad you sensed my main objective; that being humor
the form to me is irrelevant
it either works or it doesn't, although I accept that just about everything ever written can be improved to some degree, sometimes good enough is good enough.

I'll be thinking on what you have said here for a while, I'm sure

thanks for your thoughts

Al

author comment

I think that I post, more than anyone else, pieces that are not really poems,
or even in the vicinity of the poetry arena.
my rationale: in any typical 24 hour period, like today, there were two new poems posted, the rest of the less than a dozen items were new comments, or blog notifications of some Neopoet business.
If I post something that is just to provide something for members to read, usually humorous, as opposed to NO new posts, I see no problem. I wouldn't post a novel, or novella, or a journalistic piece here.
Also, when I do post something that is atypical, it is not me trying to change "poetry", or this "site". I'm just filling up some empty space with something others (hopefully) enjoy reading.
I still expect to receive critique, even if just telling me what it is or isn't, like, it's not a poem, it's not prose, it's not a bird, a plane, or superman. I accept that, but why tell me how something that was never meant to be a poem could, of should be turned into one.
simply tell me not to post this or that kind of stuff on this poetry site, (if one believes I have committed a sacrilege).
So far, no one has said that, so I'll continue as I have always conducted my affairs on Neopoet; posting as I see fit.

p.s. I'm not trying to fool anyone when some of these types of pieces happen to "look like poems", and I don't hold it against anyone who might take them as attempts at poetry. They are just what they are, whatever that is

thank you all for allowing me to explain myself, even though no one ever asked.
I feel better now! lol

p.s.s Did this sound a little paranoid to anyone else besides me? (LOL)

Al

author comment

Poetry, like art and music, has all kinds of levels and purposes- odes, inaugurations, celebrations,
soliloquies, lyrics, Hallmark cards, limericks...so it's all poetry. And as a poet you can appreciate them all when they are well done, like this poem is. I take it on the level it was offered. That's all good!

I think the separation starts when a poem has any combination of abstract imagery, metaphors, and the words take on a music all their own using poetic devises such as rhyme and controlled meter. There is mystery, poetic truths which are more often abstract but connect to the imagination (Aristotle). And you can sense it right away, like you can in a painting gallery...a work which jumps off the canvas with meaning to the you, the viewer.

So all poetry doesn't all have to be that way, can be more just totally transparent and just written and
read for humor, the love of word sound, or for sentimentality. Fortunately there is space and a need for it all. So no need for paranoia. Everything has a place. Some of your observations are world class.

I like kissing and hugging, that's important. But in the end, naked body on body in the tantric positions is preferred.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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