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Sing rondeau

Sing

sing of it children, free and unafraid
each syllable's ring, each consonant laid
laugh at the high spot, weep into the blue
bemoan wet feet from the holes in your shoe
rest in the chemical scent of her shade

As time passes that sunlit serenade
will hold you up and fix your barricade
you'll ponder how much she remembers you
sing of it children

mourn and are worn sometimes torn masquerade
we wear to prepare when love has a blade
the further we saw and further we knew
we would make all the same hullabulloo
love piranha frenzy, you'll want it too

sing of it children

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

i just love the refrain - 'sing of it children'

a powerful write imo, but what else to expect from you?

nothing to crit, except it's not perfect meter - but it is still smooth to my ear

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. This is where I'm stuck at the moment. I recognize the errors in metre. I can't say it was a hugely inspired write, and the tinkering is craft I need to accomplish. I can't seem to count on inspiration's gifts if I want to be prolific, hand aiming at longform prose will demand a disclipline that doesn't come naturally. As an exercise of sitting down and saying 'I want to write a poem', I'm pretty pleased with the first result.

I'm reading alot of Rimbaud again, a personal favorite who has inspired me so much in the past, and have just begun to read Natasha Trethewey. I'm hoping something will lead me to inspiration.

As a poet I greatly respect, how much of your process is inspiration and how much is discipline?

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

my answer would probably be that inspiration is more important for me - and i usualy work on the form after the initial brainstorm...

but inspiration seems to have died on me at the monment
and it shows - as jess has many times pointed out to me , my poems lately are often technicaly good, but lack verve/ emotion

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

ditto what dear judy said . .
The refrain line reflects lots of sensetivity.
Very much enjoyed really.

Ps *hullibulloo a typo?.....hullaballoo

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Thanks for reading and the kind words and suggestions. Honestly I didn't give Hullabulloo much thought because I thought it was a colloquialism to begin with, so I didn't research it. Thanks for calling that to my attention.

Ron

BlueDemon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I agree with judyanne about the rhythm,
but also about the fact that this has the shout of the child in it,
the joyful style tripping along, sing it children.

Lovely Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

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