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Ship Killer

Dark and hulking,
patient just beneath the sparkling water,
a weight of eons rearing up from darker depths,
crowned with garnet,
mountain-solid underneath
swaying forests of green-brown kelp
and irresistible high tide.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Nothing "indirect" about it. What am I missing?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Perhaps because I had already put the image in your mind, with the title.
Told you I am not good with indirect imagery. I've tried to use sound, sight and even emotional state to indirectly describe an object...and absolutely failed, apparently.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Like it, like it, yes I do.
Just ready and waiting for the odd siren to come its way.
Love the contrast between dark, shadowy, sinister and sparkling waters.
Wanders off singing siren sort of songs.
Jxx

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it seems to me that this beautiful rock is a treasure off nature. but it is a hidden danger to water craft. I think the imagery and structure are very pleasing to the mind and eye!

brightest of blessings,
Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

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agree with wes about this one. Everything seems clearly spelled out with little left to the imagination

I have no idea how to relate a ship-killing piece of stone to, say, a book, or a lollipop.
I know, I know, I'm being facetious, but I just don't understand, I guess. I mean, there's no direct imagery in the piece that I can see, except in the title, and I've changed that, so now what? I have used shading, color, emotional state, socio-political comment, even secondary non-direct images to build a picture of a thing without naming it. I've strongly implied what it does and how it does it, still without being direct or explicit, and I still can't get to where I need to be.
Frustrating.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

The title was at fault?

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

is once something is described in detail it become plain imagery. To carry this to the extreme you could have condensed the whole stanza to "the ship killer awaits"....this would leave the reader to think it might be anything from Moby Dick to a guided missile. So there Is a line between imagery and inferred imagery in order for it to be effective.Again to your sample. If you want to be sure the reader knows it's a submerged stone in the ocean you could say something like "The ship killer, of earth's bones lurks beneath". This gives the essentials and leaves the reader free to picture the stone's surroundings....does this help?

Sorry removed my question as it didn't clarify anything.
Jx

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Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

It might help me

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I'm the only one who asks stupid questions lol......stan

can't remember what it was.
Ooops
Jx

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Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

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