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The Original One

Submitted by Race_9togo on Thu, 2022-10-27 22:33

Steel blossoms rise delicate
from the edge of cerulean sea,
forests shining emerald in shouting sun
where the serpent dances coiled and alive
to spend its jeweled questioning of faith
on ears too new with innocence
to understand the danger.

one bursting bite of pure delight
to fill her shaking heart
with absolute enchantment
at knowing there is so much more
than mere existence in a golden trap
created as protected paradise
to hold an ignorance unbounded

And with the juice still flowing down her breasts
she enjoins the one she was created for
to taste the pleasure of her knowing
the place where she becomes much more
for him than mere companion
before their need to cover themselves
from the eyes of their accusing god
takes hold of their awakened souls.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Triskelion

Fri, 2022-10-28 10:22

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The word "questioning" falls a little short for me. Personally, I would have left it out. L2 is flunky grammatically. The title was a little misleading, as it seemed to indicate an egoist piece. What a nice surprise the piece turned out to be. It has a tantalizing quality with a rich delivery.
The beginning and the end are time spanning, (as it should) in your comparison of modern day to that "original day"
Your language is good and the pace and rhythm suits perfectly.

I don't usually comment on free verse pieces, but this one I did enjoy.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Race_9togo

Fri, 2022-10-28 13:15

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Thank you for you criticism, it is greatly appreciated.

The title...It was chosen exactly for its implication of egotism, as well as for the first sin, and the first human being who was the first of us to understand right from wrong because of what she did. LOL. 'Original day'. I hadn't thought of that one! But it works well.

L2 flunky-ness...lol...the original line was "on the edge of a cerulean ocean". Too prosodic, does not evoke any imagery, does not fit into the cadence. So I changed it.

Questioning. Hmmm. Again, mainly for the cadence, and the connotations of inquiry and judgement. Unfortunately, I cannot find another word that fits exactly.
I also wanted to reinforce the idea that the serpent and creator are both questioning, or causing it, using the same process.
I'll have to think about that one, as I'm inclined to agree with you.
Let's see if anyone else comments on the same thing, but I think that ultimately I'll change it. I did change it briefly, to 'accusing', then changed it back, so anyone who wants to can compare the two versions. I'm starting to think that 'accusing is the better adjective.
Thank you once again for your criticism.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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Triskelion

Fri, 2022-10-28 15:40

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for the word "edge" in L2 will likely open opportunities for you if you want better grammar there.
Cheers

Thomas

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.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Lavender

Fri, 2022-10-28 17:41

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Hello, Race,
I like your title - it's very specific. Eve was the first to sin, with the first bite, the first to be censured. Catchy! Your description of Eden is exquisite, like paradise. Lovely language. I'd have to agree about the word "questioning", but mostly from my feelings about the whole story. For me, there was much more intent, blame, judgement, guilt - your suggestion of "accusing" seems a closer fit. But again, see? I have such strong feelings. I am very drawn to your poem because I gave an attempt myself not long ago called "Understanding Eve." (If you feel compelled, I'd love your thoughts on it. No worries, if not.)
Thank you for the fascinating poem.
Lavender

Race_9togo

Mon, 2022-10-31 15:09

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Given your and Thomas's opinion, I have changed 'questioning' to 'accusing'. I think it is better.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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