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Pidey

A tiny weenie little ‘pidey
building her web
right across my monitor.

Poor little thing
though you’re most welcome
are you sure
this is your native habitat?

I hope and pray
exposure to the gamma rays
and other nasty effusions
from my screen
don’t cause confusions
in your genes

Will I wake one dreadful dawn
and mourn
my hospitality
finding you grown
into a huge mutant,
of great ferocity?

Will I wake at all?
After this kindly act?
If not,
at least my karma is intact.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
This is a real oldie I posted in my first few months on Neopoet in '07. I stumbled across it in the old site archives. I'm kinda fond of it and as someone famous once said, poems are never finished, just abandoned.
Editing stage: 

Comments

this is good writing as far as I'm concerned. A clear and concise idea expressed as if written in one fell swoop with
no meandering digressions, redundancies, or bloviating fillers. The last thought about "karma" gives it a bit of depth juxtaposed to the light-hearted presentation. Not all good poetry has to be miles deep to be deeply meaningful.

a good poet, ye be!

Al

a bit of humour can be a sly way to inject a bit of meaning, although I don't believe in Karma, I do believe in pideys.

cheers,
Jess
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author comment

Karma: the word, if not the complete idea, has, I believe, been appropritated into the standard American\English lexicon with a now much more watered-down meaning, similar to "vibe" i.e. one, or something has "good karma or bad... is attractive or repelling....a turn on, or off. Simply a descriptive word of personality, or qualitiy of an action.

Your last line would be synonymous with "at least I went out still the good guy", or "with my vibe intact"
not necessarily denoting reincarnation and the rest of that supernatural stuff.

So, the word didn't bother me in the slightest....having passed through the hippie era!

Al

PS: If anything bothered me, it would be the line including the word " pray ". That can't be watered down via appropriation...it is fixed in our culture... but still has colloquial utility....so again, I am not bothered by the use of it.

Al

....Not all good poetry has to be miles deep to be deeply meaningful.

a good poet, ye be!....
Sir do include me...

nicely put across by
why brittle?
brilliant light

glad you jess
are swerving towards the East
in pronouncing Karma theory
the West now yearns

loved

I don't actually believe in Karma.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I would consider teenie weenie.

As Al pointed out karma and pray are used more in a hippy/colloquial sense, not seriously.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Smile I like your teenie weenie poem, I will come back Monday night and see if I cant make any suggestions I am time limited tonight we had a death in the family yesterday and I'm wrecked but your poem made me smile

goodnight

take care (((hugs))) JC x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Great visuals come from these words. Hate spiders but loved the write

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

I suppose you have your own web now,
though it may not be world wide it was a good one.
Been read Burns have we, or Robert the Bruce.
Mind you I would like an explanation about that Bruce name
it avoids my reading eyes.
A goodly write there Jess, you have gained a web and our Eph has lost his Fanny.
What is this world coming to????
Here is my write on Burns:-

To Burns

The little beastie that you did make
Would even make an elephant quake
Then write of other things in rhyme
It's fun to leave lots of things behind

Then tell, tales of fun things that be
Especially rhymes of you and me
Whose worlds of rhymes
That verse do separate?

As I am now,
Which is much too late
To join your clan up in the north
For whom is it really worth, or be,

That means not much to me.

Love you Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

How true. Just pokin' aroun' tryin' to get into trouble, so I looked in your file first. Really cool little poem. I wonder if the poet is a Carroll fan. All we needed was a nonce word or two... oh wait, I think 'pidey qualifies. My computer at the very least gives it the red line.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I'm your man! Though you haven't given me much to work with here.
I'll just give you a gratuitous smack upside the head for the hell of it.

Now isn't that a fascinating phrase, "smack upside the head"? I've often wondered about it. I mean "smack in the head" would serve the purpose, Where did 'smack upside the head" come fro?, I suspect it is southern lingo, so ipso facto needs no rhyme nor reason. There, that should start an argument! [grins]

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment
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