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no longer singing the blues

It slides in easily.

I slice my knife into your guts so so soft
you were the cause of it's blame
it was determined, you should know
my love is cause enough
So die, fuck,
you know why
you are a jazz musician
and took my girl.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

What r u trying to write "rap" now. This sucks. The only good line :

"you were the cause of it's blame"

You are becoming repetitive. Need to tone down the violece. Smacks of melo-drama.

You can do better than this

J.G.

I was trying to write with passion, you know my poetry is blocked by my bi-polar medication.

Clearly a dismal failure.

I will try again with the mechanics of poetry and a passionate content.

By the way, the story is true, but I didn't kill him, just wanted to.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Look, let your "condition" work for you-- there is a lot going on in the mind that makes good surreal poetry..
"Passion" comes in various forms. But you hhave not let go yet of y our inner self--that is where YOUR poeotry is. To forced passion loses truth. You need to become "vulnerable."

I came here after the following poem "When I killed you" and see what you meant y your remarks about it.
This one isn't a patch on the other.

Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

I think your words are atemplate for opening up and writing a poem. Like a list of points you want to make. I would love to see you extrapolate and expand this.

always, eddy (& cat)

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

I am working hard at combining passion with mechanics.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

If I may:

I love the makings (or markings?) of this poem. If I may:

It slides in so easily.
My knife
in your guts.
So so soft.
You were the cause, the curse and the blame,
I was determined and you should know
my love could have been enough.
So die, fuck(er).
Mr. Jazz Man,
you took my girl
and now you're dead
to me.

Call the poem: "no longer singing the blues".

Take what you will, if you will, kill the rest. ;-) ~Anna

I hate jazz musicians, they are all wankers,
but only one took my girlfriend.

The rest are just self-indulent tossers

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

This made me laugh. Yes, I've been temporarily self-exiled from Allpoetry for some dark, uncomfortable writes. That I'm laughing at this worries me.

Yes, you swore in this too. Haven't seen that in a while.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

but it definitely needs work

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Will love to see any revisions to it

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

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