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A Melancholy Pilgrimage (March Contest)

My shoulder to the angry moon,
I’ve sailed the vast eternity
of dreams with tragic destiny
and witnessed both despair and ruin.

On worlds uncounted but for grief,
my shoulder to the angry moon,
I’ve cursed the somber afternoon
while bathed in uncertain belief.

I’ve tended crypts and grave sites bare
filled with the souls who died too soon,
my shoulder to the angry moon
with tears that filled the cheerless air.

While woe festered in its cocoon,
I’ve trod a path of mournful hate
then danced the seething dance of fate,
my shoulder to the angry moon.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This piece was written as a Quatran for the March, 2015 contest. I chose an ABBA rhyme scheme because I feel the Quatran form has an inherently difficult flow and lends itself to a stilted reading which, it is my belief, less common rhyme scheme smooths. Also, since the Quatran is often used to write love poetry, I wanted a setting that could not be confused with such.
Editing stage: 
Contest: 

Comments

I really like the refrain, and love the title
best of luck in the contest
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks for the review and comment.

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Jonathan Moore

author comment

Now you have me wishing I'd used a less common rhyme scheme in my entry. Good to see you around and good luck in the contest..........stan

Thanks for the note. Best of luck to you as well.

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Jonathan Moore

author comment

I just enter contests for fun. Since I'm the contest director I'm ineligible to win. Not that most folks have to worry about my being better at contests than they are anyway lol......stan

Loved this and the fact that you are here with us on this write.
I notice that you use "and" in each stanza, is this an OK for and, some of your lines that started so could use another word?? just a thought, as the and seems like a cope out for your usually excellent writes..
Take care great to see your work again,
Yours Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Thank you for keeping me honest.

I've reviewed and decided that you were right. There are changes that reflect your advice.

Thank you very much.

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Jonathan Moore

author comment

Thank you it has been good to be able to assist, it is sometimes hard to talk about a good poets poetry.
Take care out there, Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Lovely to see you amongest the March Contestants with such a profound piece and refrain.
Another good entry and the best of luck.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Thank you.

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Jonathan Moore

author comment

Others have already commented highly about this one. Profound is the least I can say.

With you joining the other four contestants, I was right about this contest to be a challenge of sorts for the judges to choose just one winner from amongst the top league...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

You are very kind, thank you.

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Jonathan Moore

author comment

The heck with the contest, this is just good poetry. The language (and particularly the refrain) gave the entire work a darkness that went beyond the subject.
I have always liked this form (though mine broke the rules, so I'm disqualified), but not for love poetry,

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Thank you for the kind comments.

I was going for a somber feel and I am glad it was conveyed.

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Jonathan Moore

author comment

I really like the form and descriptive language - you are a poet to emulate!

Love Mand xxxxx

I appreciate your comments and kind words.

I have to point out that Ian kept me honest on this piece and his suggestions made it better.

This is why I like the workshop environment.

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Jonathan Moore

author comment

This is wow hun ... I look forward to the challenge and I will give you a run for your money hahaha jj this is gold I expect you to win this contest not even reading the rest this is really spectacular !! well done what a great read, good luck (though I don't think you need much of that lol)

love Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

You are very kind, thank you.

I suspect the competition will be quite intense and the judges will have a difficult time selecting a winner for March.

My best to you.

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Jonathan Moore

author comment

I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses and this is one of my weaknesses lol ... I will enter but it will not be in the same class as this, you are just too damn good !

Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

this form is awesome; I always thought the repetition of the line made a poem sort of mysterious, as it seems the rest of the poem is built around it naturally. I like how you deviated from the usual love theme! and you've done it well, to top it off. awesome job man, the other contestants better be on their toes!

Mag

Thank you for the kind words.

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Jonathan Moore

author comment

not sure about the first stanza's "moon" and "ruin" rhyming but I loved the imagery and the feel of this poem. Good luck on the contest!

Alid

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