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Belief, Perverted

Religion, I find quite distasteful,
Devaluing faith like a wastrel.
Within mansions of gold,
While folks die in the cold,
It coddles and rewards the hateful.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is presented as an example of the April 2016 contest. it will not be included in the judging.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Writing a serious limerick. The form is virtually comical by structure. I ran a whole workshop on it
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/can-you-make-limerick-serious
and very few were successful, though many were very good.
I applaud the content, as you might guess I would.
My only crit is that the verse
Squandering faith like a wastrel.
Strikes me as doubly superfluous. Surely all faith is squandered and squandering is wasteful.
Just nit-picking, I really appreciate your use of the form in a serious manner.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

If you separate the third line out into two, I find the read is more obviously fluid. (but maybe that makes it too jaunty)

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Writing a limerick.
Although this sounds good it doesn't conform to the layout of a limerick, Yours is 9-8-11-9 syllables, consisting of four lines instead of five, so I suppose this is the rough draft lol

A short sometimes bawdy, humorous poem of consisting of five anapaestic lines. Lines 1, 2, and 5 of a Limerick have seven to ten syllables and rhyme with one another.
Lines 3 and 4 have five to seven syllables and also rhyme with each other.

Please edit this one into a good limerick,
Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I DESPAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How many meter workshops have you done with me? You count feet (any puns and I'll punch you right through the screen). You count feet, NOT SYLLABLES. I've explained it to you so many times and you just make stupid jokes.

Look at the table of metric variations in Wikipedia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metre_%28poetry%29#Feet

Jonathon, you never seem to have got the hang of stressed/unstressed syllables either.

We count feet not syllables. Feet can have 2 or 3 syllables and the type depends on where the stressed syllable is.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Jess,

My concern is always flow rather than stress pattern. I view it similar to the Japanese concept of "On," or phonetic sounds combined with the French focus on syllables.

Ian,

I choose four (4) lines in honor of Edward Lear.

"Edward Lear, who popularized the form, fused the third and fourth lines into a single line with internal rhyme. "

But, for scan purposes, I'll make a few changes.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

author comment

I have read that there is much leeway to writing, the sounds as if the thoughts become real is the main thing
Thanks for your reply and clarification,
Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I was only going by the layout form as per the Wiki and other exercise programs.
The Limerick layout is as per the one you stated, Five lines are required for a limerick and you were the teacher when I wrote the one I have submitted, I will when time permits look into the Number of feet required
Thanks for the heads up, loves you bru, Yours all of those mentioned XX

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

blah

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

enough for Jesse, it's good enough for me! Religion isn't the problem, it's the men who think they know the minds of the gods and try to tell everyone else. ~ Gee.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

Your last comment is summed up by the saying I learned as a child:
God save us from religious zealots.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

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