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The Weight Of Words

The Weight Of Words

In my youth, words were an anchor,
defining the acceptable,
passing judgement on my actions,
and marking life's expectations.

In adulthood, they were purpose,
as I shaped the jagged pieces,
of failed assumption and regret,
into dreams I found worth living.

As a father, words were power,
to sweep away limitations
and pave the paths of my children
with unbound possibilities.

And now, as I approach twilight,
the responsibility of
the phrases I choose to utter
are a solemn obligation.

But, much more important than that,
are the words I choose to embrace,
and the words I chose to reject,
and the words I refuse to hear.

This does not pause the clamoring,
of those who wish their tired demands,
would waver my resolution
and litter my soul with their greed.

But it provides to me a lens,
a grand perspective I use, to
filter the noise and sad ashes
that were never of consequence.

And there is peace to be found here.
A realization of purpose,
a final construct of wonder,
that defines my destination.

Original

In my youth, words were an anchor,
Defining the acceptable,
Passing judgement on my actions,
And marking life's expectations.

As a father, words were power,
To sweep away limitations
And pave the paths of my children
With unbound possibilities.

And now, as I approach twilight,
The responsibility of
The phrases I choose to utter
Are a solemn obligation.

But, much more important than that,
Are the words I choose to embrace,
And the words I chose to reject,
And the words I refuse to hear.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This was a thought that grew into verse. This is the first pass, which i normally would not post, but i believe it is important that we expose our work fro review and comment. Be honest, be direct, and realize that the kindness i seek is a path to improvement, never praise for substandard effort. Structure wise, this is unmeasured tetrameter and is constructed to be spoken so the punctuation and pacing is intended to support that.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Footage for me is much more difficult to hear and does need recitation.
Once the feel for the tetrameter can be heard it is remarkable.
It seems to me that when shooting for a set meter one is tempted to use repetition and even make up words as Shakespeare and other masters in order to make the desired meter (or cheat lol)
Your use here of repetition is in fact remarkable and may be where you need to work on this beauty.
I truly think it is a beauty and that it could only get better.
It would be a cool thing for me (at least) to see it parsed out.
Later,

~Mark~

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I love the theme, and find the execution of the theme very good.

"And now, as I approach twilight,
The responsibility of
The phrases I choose to utter
Are a solemn obligation."

This is my favorite stanza because it speaks of wisdom acquired with age. I think it reads exceptionally smooth for unmeasured verse. If you tried to measure it, I think the work would be worth while.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Mark and Tyro, I appreciate your time and comments. I am reviewing this and will update over the next week of so.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

author comment

It's just the last line really. A huge disappointment to a poem with so much intrinsic value. I think you were trying to say something almost the opposite. Actually, content-wise there are things strike me odd. Can you see the problem with the word 'fill' in these two lines?
"And fill the paths of my children
With unbound possibilities."
Unbound possibilities are bound if it is you filling them.

In terms of prosody this is much more melodious than your other works, I like that. Here is my reading-
https://vocaroo.com/i/s0v86KUxSq0j

[Yours were some of the most constructive words in the recent Advocates symposium, I am coming back full force in critique and would appreciate your critique of my critique}

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I am reviewing the comments and observations and will post an update in a few days. I am, mostly, a slow writer.

But the honest feedback is exactly what I want, so, thank you all sincerely.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

author comment

This has good bones. But it reads like prose to me. A bit of alliteration or other poetic devices here and there would help. And that last stanza........have you considered adding rhyme to the last couple of lines to increase impact?

Your write is top line as usual, we expect nothing less. Now you left the room before uttering that last few lines, that I would like to see.
Another stanza would complete the journey..
Yours Ian ..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I would drop the second stanza. It leads us off into a different abstraction of possibilities, I don't think they connect with the narrative below. I also dropped some "And"s, and a "much"- sounds tighter to me. This poem I think expresses a lot, and with a nice poetic truth. WDYT?

Weight Of Words

In my youth, words were an anchor,
Defining the acceptable,
Passing judgement on my actions,
Marking life's expectations.

Now, as I approach twilight,
The responsibility of
The phrases I choose to utter
Are a solemn obligation.

But, more important than that,
Are the words I choose to embrace,
And the words I chose to reject,
And the words I refuse to hear.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I have updated the work based on the thoughts your critique spurred. I would be interested in any additional review, as your time permits.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

author comment
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