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The Canyons Rim

Submitted by zjeakin on Sat, 2012-02-11 00:39

Lying on the canyons rim,
With you here by my side,
The Colorado air never seemed so sweet,
And the stars never quite so bright,

At this moment on the canyons rim,
The desert air is cool,
The clouds all have a silver lining,
From the bright mountain moon,

Lying here on the canyons rim,
Your long hair surrounds me,
Enveloping me like a curtain,
Your scent is all around me,

Lying here on the canyons rim,
Your soft lips brush mine,
Gentle yet firm with a sense of urgency,
They are a perfect match for mine,

At this moment on the canyons rim,
The coyotes yip and they yap,
The crickets and frogs add their voices,
To the symphony of the night,

Lying here on the canyons rim,
Your body pressed to mine,
We hold each other in a tight embrace,
As our hearts beat in time,

Lying here on the canyons rim,
Your eyes bore into me,
They hold me captive with their light,
And kindle a flame within my soul,

Lying here on the canyons rim,
With you safe in my arms,
There is no place that I’d rather be,
Then lying here on the canyons rim.

Zachary J. Eakin 7 - 18 - 2011

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Comments

Candlewitch

Sat, 2012-02-11 16:06

Candlewitch's picture
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Now I understand the pen name, lol. I like your title. It flows well in the rythem of your verses. Your language usage is good. A decent love poem told with style. Iliked these lines:

Lying here on the canyons rim,
Your eyes bore into me,
They hold me captive with their light,
And kindle a flame within my soul,

always, Cat

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weirdelf

Thu, 2012-02-16 05:06

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and I like your relaxed attitude to rhyme- part rhymes, identical rhymes and non-rhyme keep it flowing without being forced.

Beware clichés though, especially in love poetry-
The clouds all have a silver lining,
symphony of the night
our hearts beat in time
kindle a flame within my soul

The best way to avoid clichés is to recognise them. Do you read much poetry? You say nothing about favourites or influences in your profile,

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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