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Battle

Submitted by zjeakin on Thu, 2015-09-10 15:58

I grow cold and hard,
It's just the cruel touch of time,
The anger and the pain I feel,
Feeds the demons of my mind,

They shout and scream to be set free,
My rage I know just makes them stronger,
I smile and suppress the beast within,
I fear I can't carry on much longer,

As I fight,
The right and wrong begin to blur,
There is no line, no distinction,
It leaves me feeling so unsure,

I'm not a hero,
I have never claimed to be,
My heart may be cold,
But I do still feel empathy,

This fight has defined me,
It has made me what I am,
And when I die, I die alone,
To believe elsewise is a sham,

The fight is done,
Neither heaven nor hell will take me,
I'm glad its over, the demons won,
I'd rather die than live on bended knee.

Zachary J. Eakin 8 - 7 - 2015

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Sparrow

Thu, 2015-09-10 19:24

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Great write and this flowed well, though I found a little stressed in places but that can be rectified easily.
"It leaves me feeling so unsure" (Insecure can be used here it makes the piece more personal)
Replacing words can refine the poem and make the whole thing belong, though this one is very good, maybe needing nothing more???
Yours, Ian..

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Geezer

Fri, 2015-09-11 10:31

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with Ian. Replacing words and taking the time to keep the rhythm, can make a good poem great.
Good work to start, keep striving to make your work better. That is what this site is all about. ~ Geezer

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wesley snow

Fri, 2015-09-11 11:20

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I guess you haven't been around for a while as I have not seen your work before.
I'm not the best at critiquing free verse, so I won't try. The subject matter is disturbing, but that's intended.
I agree with everyone else that a little work on the rhythm could benefit this poem.
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Check out the new workshop on "Metaphors". It's just getting started and you might find it enlightening.

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