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Astral Eyes

Submitted by Loreli on Sun, 2010-12-05 19:45

I can be calm with you
feel the settling
of crashing emotions,
my internal tempest.

I wear your affection
draped like a favorite quilt,
quietly my heart sings
with the clear, amiable
tenor of your voice.

I am mesmerized by your
astral eyes,
cinnamon sugar stars
trimmed by velvet brown skies.

In your tender embrace
my breath is relinquished,
ceasing time
I lose my place.

I am intensly aware
of only your presence
soothing my impoverished soul.

Loreli

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

lou

Mon, 2010-12-06 06:11

lou's picture

Lovely poem , the only thing i would say is that it would even better if you removed the word acutely from the last stanza, it feels formal, maybe you could say intensly .

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Loreli

Tue, 2010-12-07 18:52

Loreli's picture

Thank you so much for that suggestion! I have changed it.

Peace,
Lori

author comment

Loreli

Tue, 2010-12-07 18:58

Loreli's picture

..for your comments to me! I am always so worried about each poem I post that others will think it is not worthy to be on this site!

Peace to you my friend!
Lori

author comment

Kailashana2

Mon, 2010-12-06 07:28

In my opinion, this poem though beautiful and well-written might work better if the stanza order was changed
and your lines a little bit rearranged.

.

Aware of your presence,
soothing my impoverished soul
in your tender embrace
my breath is relinquished

Ceasing time,
I lose my place,
I wear you affection
draped like a favorite quilt,
quietly my heart sings along

You clear loving tenor
calming me
settling my emotions,
my internal tempest

I am mesmerized
by your astral eyes
cinnamon sugar stars
trimmed by velvet brown stars.

Loreli

Tue, 2010-12-07 19:07

Loreli's picture

for the rewrite suggestions. I then rewrote it another 4 times! In the end I only omitted one word and changed another. I have kept your rewrite on my computer and may look at it again later. I truly appreciate your suggestions and liked them...at this point I am too attached to how I wrote it, but that may change later! It seems I am never done with anything I write.... :)

Sincerely,
Lori

author comment

mand

Mon, 2010-12-06 08:04

mand's picture
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Ohh! another brilliant poem. Excellent imagery. "Astral eyes" Velvet brown skies.

A pleasure to read.

Thanks for sharing

Love Mand xxxxxx

Loreli

Tue, 2010-12-07 19:01

Loreli's picture

thanks so much Mand! I have a very special friend in my life and just wanted to be able to describe his eyes and the effect he had on me adequately!
Really glad you enjoyed reading this.

Peace,
Lori

author comment

themoonman

Mon, 2010-12-06 08:41

themoonman's picture
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Enjoyed the read ... very original way of saying
"you've stars in your eyes" ...
There were a couple of words I felt could be
omitted, "along" and "acutely" but that is only
my opinion ... loved the line "I lose my place",
something everyone wants to feel in the right
circumstance.

thanks for posting

Richard

Loreli

Tue, 2010-12-07 19:10

Loreli's picture

and omitted the word "along", and "acutely". I appreciated the help very much from you, Lou and Kailishana. Glad you enjoyed reading this one!

Sincerely,
Lori

author comment

Loreli

Tue, 2010-12-07 19:13

Loreli's picture

I am glad you enjoyed this! This is again about my friend J. I have written about him before and he has truly been my muse!

Peace,
Lori

author comment

Candlewitch

Sun, 2011-08-21 11:22

Candlewitch's picture
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This is really beautiful and moving! The only thing I would change is the word: "quilt" to shawl. It is your poem and this is only a suggestion. I really enjoyed reading this piece.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Loreli

Mon, 2011-08-22 09:55

Loreli's picture

I really appreciate your comments Cat! Glad you liked it. I never thought of the word shawl...good suggestion. I guess I was just thinking how when I am curled up on my couch I have a favorite quilt that I always wrap around myself!

Peace,
Lori

author comment

raj

Sun, 2011-08-21 15:14

i would say this write is beautiful...soft and graceful...never doubt if your poems are worthy to be posted on this site..because i look forward to reading them...so let them keep coming in...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Loreli

Mon, 2011-08-22 10:04

Loreli's picture

I am very happy you like this one! Your approval for my writing means a lot to me... :) Especially since I love what you write. (sorry havn't been on much to read or comment, life for me has been awfully busy in the past 6 months).

I think doubting myself is just part of my personality, but I am trying to overcome all those fears I have of not being good enough! Joining this site was the first step I took towards that. It has helped me. Guess what...lol...the shy/fearful/doubting me did...I went to a "spoken word" night with an "open mic", I actually (with prompting from friends and the moderator) got up and read my poems. Over the course of the evening I ended up reading 4 of them! I got a good reception to them so it also helped to boost my confidence.

Thanks again Raj for being such a wonderful neo friend and support!

xo
Lori

author comment

raj

Mon, 2011-08-22 14:06

i am very happy to know about your experience of reciting four of your poems live to an audience and getting their applause...i am glad you grabbed the opportunity which happened your way...and wish you will continue to grab them and make the most of them in every facet of your life...love..poetry .home..career ...family..

keep writing and expressing freely via the medium of poetry...its great to have you as a friend here on Neopoet..

much love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

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