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Slow Fade
Wistfully I watch her
sitting in bed
staring at nothing.
As I enter she seems surprised
Inquiring “Oh Lori your're here. Is school over already?”
Squelching down the urge to tell her
“ Mom, I’m grown.”
I smile, laugh and say
“It is Saturday.”
Her eyes bright, as she declares
“See I know who you are...
...your Dad thinks I’m delusional.”
Quickly I lean in
hugging her small frame
hiding tears
balanced on my eyelashes.
Loreli
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Thanks Mona for the corrections!
Editing stage:
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Comments
CCfire
Sat, 2011-04-23 00:54
I feel like you're looking at
I feel like you're looking at my life in rewind and what I went through with my grandmother who had alzheimer's..it's tragic and I know they tell you not to try to correct them but when you've known them strong and fearless, it's hard to watch them fade. This brought a tear as I read it.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
Loreli
Sat, 2011-04-23 07:32
Thank you Chez
My mother is still "young" at 68 years old. She began showing signs of dementia about 4 years ago but thankfully it has been slow to progress. She recently had surgery and even three weeks later is still suffering from what they call "delerium". At this point her Dr. is not sure she will get better as she already had dementia. This encounter just happened last week and to say it shook me is an understatement.
Peace,
Lori
author commentmagics02
Sat, 2011-04-23 09:45
Lori
Gal I did not know you were back and glad to see you in here. Nice picture of yours to write a poem of I see. I like the Michigan shoreline.
On this poem please allow me some edit or suggestions as not to lose your intent of the write
Wistfully I watch her
sitting in bed
staring at nothing.
As I enter she seems surprised
Inquiring “Oh Lori your're here. Is school over already?”
Squelching down the urge to tell her
“ Mom, I’m grown.”
I smile, laugh and say
“It is Saturday.”
Her eyes bright, as she declares
“See I know who you are...
...your Dad thinks I’m delusional.”
Quickly I lean in
hugging her small frame
hiding tears
balanced on my eyelashes.
I just made some minor revisions to it and the ending made me heart sink a bit. This is emotive poetry and you told it well. I love this line
hiding tears
balanced on my eyelashes.
Great ending
Will catch up to you soon gal and missed reading and chatting with you
Blessings
Mona
Loreli
Sat, 2011-04-23 12:05
Dear Mona
Thank you so much for your assistance with the grammer...I never was good at it! Too many rules for my little ADD brain! Glad you liked my poem, I was feeling a bit broken hearted and couldn't verbalize it, but was able to write it.
Maybe this weekend I will write something about the Lake....I grew up there but now live an hour away. I hate being so far from the Lake but will be there this weekend. I took this picture of the lighthouse in St. Joseph last October. I lived in the town next to it in Stevensville. I spent most of my life on that beach ( all year round...I loved it no matter the weather) and it has great memories for me.
Love to you and yours,
Lori
author commentmagics02
Sat, 2011-04-23 13:14
Thanks Lori
I love the beach also. So many childhood memories and young adult memories.. The beach for me is like a sanctuary of sorts..calmness...ocean waves...sea gulls..sunshine.. a great place to write for sure. The sunrise and the sunset..makes for the perfect romantic setting as well. Glad to see you back and to read you once again dear friend. Happy Easter. Love Mona
magics02
Sat, 2011-04-23 09:45
Lori
Gal I did not know you were back and glad to see you in here. Nice picture of yours to write a poem of I see. I like the Michigan shoreline.
On this poem please allow me some edit or suggestions as not to lose your intent of the write
Wistfully I watch her
sitting in bed
staring at nothing.
As I enter she seems surprised
Inquiring “Oh Lori you're here. Is school over already?”
Squelching down the urge to tell her
“ Mom, I’m grown.”
I smile, laugh and say
“It is Saturday.”
Her eyes bright, as she declares
“See I know who you are...
...your Dad thinks I’m delusional.”
Quickly I lean in
hugging her small frame
hiding tears
balanced on my eyelashes.
I just made some minor revisions to it and the ending made me heart sink a bit. This is emotive poetry and you told it well. I love this line
hiding tears
balanced on my eyelashes.
Great ending
Will catch up to you soon gal and missed reading and chatting with you
Blessings
Mona