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Sanctuary
Watching, spying
behind the trunk of an Oak tree
clouds pass over its canopy
casting shadows
in the forest where I hide
I know you can’t see me
but I see everything
I hear everything
every labored breath
every footfall on the path
Offering promises
of sanctuary and forgiveness
your voice stabs the quiet
stops the birds
they know where to find me
but you are too enraged to see
Backing further
into safety of the underbrush
I cower beneath the brambles
their spiky thorns catch my skin
tiny points of red
appear and spread drawing gnats
to my coldly sweating flesh
Patience
I have been told is a virtue
so is stillness
and silence
I have learned both
by being your daughter
the object of your affection
of your fear, your anger
Nature
does not betray my trust
does not reveal my weakness
in the forest I am sheltered
embraced and safe
Lorelei
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
This poem morphed in a direction I did not expect.....I intended it to be about my love of the woods I lived next to growing up, however one of those pesky childhood memories decided to take over the poem. So, here is the result. Lori Thanks to Stan, Jess and Ian T. for all the helpful suggestions!
Editing stage:
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Comments
scribbler
Fri, 2011-07-22 22:09
hello
I also consider the forest a sanctuary from stress. Had I written your poem, I'd have probably combined many of the lines, but that's just me..............stan
Loreli
Fri, 2011-07-22 22:18
Thank you Stan
I will look at it....some of the lines I wanted very short on purpose, but others really could be combined. Thank you as always! Lori
author commentraj
Fri, 2011-07-22 23:32
Hi Loreli
so good to see you post your poems here again...this write is a very lively expression of deep seated emotions fear, hurt , etc/, seeking refuge in the silence ...i have always loved your poetic expressions of emotions....i found this write very touching..
raj (sublime_ocean)
Loreli
Sat, 2011-07-23 00:50
Thank you
I really appreciate your comment Raj. I am pleased the emotions came through on this. I never know if what I have experienced and try to put down on paper makes sense to others or gives them a glimpse of what I am trying to convey.
Lori
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2011-07-22 23:53
I agree with Stan so much
that I actually copied into Writer and took out all the line breaks to see how it read.
Yes, much is lost, but much is actually enhanced. Try playing with it to improve the pacing and drama.
Offering Promises [promises? why the cap?]
Mother nature [jars a bit, it is so often associated with cliches. Maybe just nature, or the forest unless you want to specifically identify the forest as the mother protecting from the father but that would make the 4th stanza a bit weird]
An effective write.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Loreli
Sat, 2011-07-23 00:55
Thanks Jess
I appreciate your and Stans suggestions. I will work on improving the line breaks, I do agree that some can be combined for a better flow. The work Patience was just a typing error that I did not catch...so thanks! Thanks for taking the time to assist me with this poem...hopefully I can make it better.
Gratefully,
Lori
author commentLoreli
Sat, 2011-07-23 10:51
Dear Ian
Thanks for the critique. I think I will just get rid of the word/line "underneath" altogether, after I read it I see that your are correct. I plan to work on this soon and would appreciate your looking at it again after the edit.
Cheers,
Lori
author commentLoreli
Sat, 2011-07-23 16:40
Thanks Ian
I like that! Have yet to work on the changes, but will do so very soon. Appreciate the help!
Cheers,
Lori
author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2011-07-26 05:39
Good revisions.
Reads a lot more effectively.
Are you happy with it?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Loreli
Tue, 2011-07-26 19:08
Thank you Jess
Yes, I am happy with the revisions and I appreciate your input in making this a better write. Thanks also so coming back and letting me know what you thought of them!
Cheers back at ya,
Lori
author commentLoreli
Tue, 2011-07-26 19:11
Thanks Lonnie
Appreciate your stopping by to read and taking the time to comment!
Cheers,
Lori
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2011-07-27 12:23
hello
In the revision not having all lines short actually helps emphasize the ones left short . Good edit in my opinion....stan
Loreli
Thu, 2011-07-28 03:30
Thank you Stan
I appreciate your coming back to read this again. I actually have one more edit to make..lol...I want to change the #4 and #5 lines around in the second stanza, I think it would be more logical. Thanks again for all your assistance with making this a better poem. Lori
author commentLoreli
Sun, 2011-08-14 17:53
Thanks Rosi
I appreciate your reading this and commenting! I am glad it was effective enough that you were hiding there with me. It is a wonderful compliment! Thanks again! Lori
author commentEduardo Cruz
Sat, 2011-08-13 22:08
Lori
I am a born and raised city boy. I can tell you how to grow concrete.
This took me in from the start and I could actually see and smell the trees, what vivid imagery! A beautiful write, I love when someone puts me smack in the middle of their poem. Now that's the way to write. I guess the guys were a lot of help, because I have nothing else but kudos for this write.
BRAVISIMA!!
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Loreli
Sun, 2011-08-14 17:59
OH WOW!
I am so flattered by your comments! Thanks so much Eddie! LOL...I will leave the writing about the city to you as I am a small town country girl. I really do appreciate your taking the time to read this one. It is a memory that took over my "nice" little poem and turned it around, but I liked the result and I am pleased that it could bring you into my past enough that you felt you were in it.
Lori
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