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Boy! it smells so good!
Close the door, sit down
till knuckles on the door sound
"Hey there hurry up"
Stand up, open the door
Scowl above sound of the drain
"Hey you messed it up"
Disinfect the mind
brood over a piping brew
for something to chew
When nature calls again
Unleash the garbage
with a carefree resounding
burp of the verses
"Boy!, it smells so good"
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Ian.T
Tue, 2014-01-07 19:11
raj
You had better eat at home, or did you???
Who did you blame, then you said it smells so good.
A paradox of reality versus kindness lol.
Take care, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
raj
Tue, 2014-01-07 23:20
Ian
thanks for the read...actually my attempt is to portray the phases an amateur goes through a) when he seeks quality time and space (like in a rest room) to think of an idea b) how it gets obliterate through disturbances c) need to pull out of the disappointment and churn up a new idea d) once there is time and space to work on it again till there is a smooth flow of verses and e) finally "burp" in the context of elation & relief "Boy! it smells so good"...lol...
raj (sublime_ocean)
William Saint George
Wed, 2014-01-08 11:54
Thanks to the explanation, I
Thanks to the explanation, I finally got what this poem was about. Is it a problem if our readers don't get the idea we want to communicate?
.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
weirdelf
Wed, 2014-01-08 13:57
I think it is a real problem in this case
There is a saying, about vain people "He thinks his shit doesn't stink". This poem seems to carry it to the point of coprophilia.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
William Saint George
Wed, 2014-01-08 14:20
Exactly Jess. That was the
Exactly Jess. That was the direction of my interpretation, and it disturbed me so much I declined to comment earlier.
.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
raj
Wed, 2014-01-08 15:04
Perhaps I need to take the
Perhaps I need to take the critiques seriously and unpublish this one if this is perceived to be disturbing. Thanks to all though for taking time to read and critique
raj (sublime_ocean)
weirdelf
Wed, 2014-01-08 15:45
disturbing is usually a good thing in poetry, raj
however based on misunderstanding it is unfortunate.
Re-write rather than unpublish.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Wed, 2014-01-08 15:49
although I rather suspect
you are being disingenuous.
Surely you were aware of how it sounded?
I mean the poem would be funny if intended so, along the lines of "that inspriation felt like it needed to come out, it might stink but better out than in"
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Wed, 2014-01-08 22:05
Let me know if you would like me to go through it with you, Raj
to either explain, enhance or remove scatalogical references.
Some people are as dumb as a box of hammers, you, I know, are very intelligent, so I can only imagine you are missing some cultural references.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Wed, 2014-01-08 16:25
Hi raj
I think this is a perfect example of brevity being carried a bit too far. Most readers are lazy like me. You need a few more words here and there to clarify what you're trying to convey I think. Having read your explanation ( I always feel like I've failed when I have to explain one of my poems) I think the intent is good here but needs a bit more work. Don't unpublish this, just give it a bit more thought then do an edit............stan
loved
Wed, 2014-01-08 20:40
we must thank Jess.... for improving our vocab
cop·ro·phil·i·a (kpr-fl-)
n.
An abnormal, .....often obsessive interest in excrement,
especially the use of feces for sexual excitement.???????
Frankly speaking this one was like a cuckoo
which flew
above
not the clouds
but my baldness
loved
loved
Wed, 2014-01-08 20:43
But all said and done
if a poet's poetry
has a million meanings
it's achieved it's sojourns destination
let others wipe tears.
how it flavors with feces I wonder
raj
do ask
loved
raj
Thu, 2014-01-09 13:44
Thank you Jess & Stan
Thanks for your suggestions and comments which are appreciated, all in good spirit. Give me some time to improvise. Jess I will certainly seek your help to further improve it once I am done with one more attempt.
kind regards.
raj (sublime_ocean)