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Idle
While idly speculating why
I gave a little sigh
the chances to descry
are slim
My mind formed a fist
gave reality a twist
(it developed an alarming list)
and sank
I sit here quite complacent
a cold beer is adjacent
an idea forming nascent
I dismiss
These words have little meaning
perhaps I am just screening
the possibility demeaning
I have nothing more to say
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Ian.T
Sun, 2013-04-14 04:21
Jess
Sounds just like a car ticking over, and I hope it is on the starting grid of a Grand Prix.
Hard to equate a quality here as you seem to be playing at rest,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Bonitaj
Sun, 2013-04-14 04:33
Jess!
Loved these words:
"I sit here quite complacent
a cold beer is adjacent
an idea forming nascent"
I think we've all had those moments - but you've captured them superbly in words!
Good one!
Bonitaj
Rula
Sun, 2013-04-14 05:42
You're really great when rhyming (imo)
Good capture of the moment. I like it all
if I would offer a suggestion for a smoother read , it would be a little tweak in S3 Last line
to read is something like [is dismissed] instead of [I dismissed it]
but you know perhaps I am not getting your point here.
again much enjoyed.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
weirdelf
Sun, 2013-04-14 07:57
thanks rula,
notice that each line after three rhymes is supposed to be jarring in this but thank you for the suggestion, they're always welcome.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Sun, 2013-04-14 09:05
I know what you mean
I have noticed this of course
What I mean is how the last line in each stanza would read
S1 last line ......are slim
S2 last line .....and sank
so S3 would read .......is dismissed
But it's ok..I thought I would clarify my point.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
weirdelf
Sun, 2013-04-14 09:11
and on second thoughts
I take your point and made a change.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Sun, 2013-04-14 07:57
double post
.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Sun, 2013-04-14 07:58
Thanks all
this was fun
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Josephus
Sun, 2013-04-14 08:15
Freely associating and
Freely associating and writing the product just for the hell of it is fun and linbers the mind towards more structured thought. Sort of intellectual stretching exercises before a mind marathon!
I enjoyed watching the exercise. You've reminded that I have yet to do mine today, physically.
Joe
My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.