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Before Dusk Settles
That fleeting moment
while Sun kisses the horizon
is like our parting
Shadows disappear
sooner than memories fade
into twilight
I gather the sand
of our footprints and castles
ingrained with our love
Before dusk settles
I sprinkle the sand
upon our rose beds
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
raj
Wed, 2011-04-27 14:30
Hi Ian
thank you for the read and your comment...i have now disengaged the write from Haiku and the japanese touch too...and replaced when with while..hope it now sits well...
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Wed, 2011-04-27 14:31
Chrys
thanks for your appreciative comment..i got rid of the zone as suggested by you...hope it now sits well...
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Wed, 2011-04-27 19:51
hi
After our conversation, the only change I would suggest would be to rearrange !st stanza for better clarity. Something like :
Our parting is like
that fleeting moment
when the sun kisses the horizon
As usual this is only an alternative which can use or not at your discretion..........stan
raj
Thu, 2011-04-28 14:16
Stan
Thank you for the read and suggestion...i find it useful and have partially edited the first verse...keep sending your thoughts...they are most welcome..
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Thu, 2011-04-28 14:16
Stan
Thank you for the read and suggestion...i find it useful and have partially edited the first verse...keep sending your thoughts...they are most welcome..
raj (sublime_ocean)
loved
Wed, 2011-04-27 21:14
I RETURN
only to relish
what lovely poetry u write
haiku or not
be creative
lets' not stick on to the past,
lest we lose our entity
finally at last
loved
raj
Thu, 2011-04-28 14:21
Hi Loved
thank you for visiting this write and your comment..it is much appreciated...
raj (sublime_ocean)
loved
Thu, 2011-04-28 14:33
I MUST ALSO thank you for twice commenting my comments hope u
shall too find time to advise
on two poems
one poem and one blogpoem
the tree and
to all poets here
loved
raj
Thu, 2011-04-28 14:22
Hi Loved
thank you for visiting this write and your comment..it is much appreciated...
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Thu, 2011-04-28 23:02
Lonnie
its a pleasure when you visit my page and leave an appreciative comment..thank you...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Eduardo Cruz
Thu, 2011-04-28 02:03
raj
Sun,horizon, shadows, twilight,, sand, castles, dusk and rosebeds. these are all wonderful words to use in such a beautiful and well constructed Poem
Good job!!
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
raj
Thu, 2011-04-28 23:03
Eddie..
thank you for your comment...good to know you liked the poem and word usage...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Candlewitch
Thu, 2011-04-28 07:09
Dear Raj,
What a lovely piece of work. A love poem without mush! My favorite lines are:
Shadows disappear
sooner than memories fade
into twilight
I gather the sand
of our footprints and castles
ingrained with our love
absolutely brilliant!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
raj
Thu, 2011-04-28 23:04
Dear Cat
thank you for your time to visit this write ...good to know you liked it...
raj (sublime_ocean)
magics02
Thu, 2011-04-28 07:25
Speechless Raj
I can not tell you how I felt upon this read..left me with much thought and vision.
A great one here for sure
Love,Mona
raj
Thu, 2011-04-28 23:06
Dearest Mona..
it has been a while since you visited my page ...nice to know you liked this write ..hope all is fine now with your dad..
much love...
raj (sublime_ocean)
magics02
Fri, 2011-04-29 03:39
sorry ocean
No things not well by me or Dad but I remain steadfast in hope and strength.. Thanks for the note and be by soon Ocean..I miss that pen name..
Love and hugs to you
Ms Mona
raj
Fri, 2011-04-29 14:40
keep up that spirit Mona..
keep up that spirit Mona...may things turn around for the better soon...trust the goodness of your heart..
much love and hugs to you...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Dalton
Sat, 2011-04-30 17:51
Hi Raj
A lovely little poem. Reminded me of Khalil Gibran. ThanX for sharing
John
raj
Sun, 2011-05-01 06:15
Thanks John for that liberal
Thanks John for that liberal comment...i am just an amateur ...good to know though that you enjoyed this write..my pleasure always in sharing...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Nordic cloud
Sun, 2011-05-01 13:39
Loves rituals
This seems to have some lovely ritual in it, the sprinkling of sand before dusk in the rose bed.
How romantic and soft the petals of the roses are made by the presence of the sand in the bed.
Very nice Raj with my love Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
raj
Mon, 2011-05-02 14:05
Thank you Ann for your
Thank you Ann for your comment...the sprinkling of sand in the rose beds of course was intended to nourish the roses with profound love in that sand of footprints and castles of lovers...
much love..
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Mon, 2011-05-02 14:07
Dearest Shirl...
thank you for your appreciative comment...good to know you loved the essence of the write...
much love..
raj (sublime_ocean)
mand
Wed, 2011-05-04 14:17
Hi Raj
What can I say, it's all been said.
A stunning poem.
Love Mand xxxxxx
raj
Wed, 2011-05-04 14:40
Hi Mand
Thank you Mand for the read and good to know you liked it...
much love...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Ayaz Warith
Thu, 2011-05-05 01:37
I loved the smoothness of
I loved the smoothness of this poem, not only in words but also in meaning. Very succinct and pregnant epitome of modern Indo-Japanese form. Thanks for sharing this lovely piece, Raj.
Regards
Ayaz
raj
Thu, 2011-05-05 14:09
Hi Ayaz
thanks for your time and appreciative comment..good to see you ...
warmly...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Dalton
Thu, 2011-05-05 17:56
Hi Raj
First of all great piece. Also has a somewhat haikuesque feel to the three verses. Only crit: I would lose the word "Like" in the third line. But thats just me. Just semantics really. Great work and thanx for sharing.
John
raj
Thu, 2011-05-05 22:58
Thank you John for your
Thank you John for your comment...
good to know you liked it...always my pleasure to share my writes and learn from the comments and feed backs...hope your problem with toolbar have been resolved..
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rottiestyl
Tue, 2011-05-31 14:36
while Sun kisses the horizon
while Sun kisses the horizon
is like our parting
Talk about descriptive writing! You didn't just write words here, you painted a moving seduction.Sprinkling the sand from the lovers foot prints on the roses, just great writing! such a picturesque piece!
Kim
(V)
Rottie
Pegasus was a genius,
living within a suit of difference.
He liked what he was,
nodded in respect and
simply flew . . . away.
By: K. Mulroney
" I am who I am, say what I say, do what I do. With no apology."
raj
Tue, 2011-05-31 14:48
Thank you Kim for your
Thank you Kim for your appreciative words...glad to know you liked the essence of this write..
raj (sublime_ocean)
Loreli
Sat, 2011-08-27 09:30
So Beautiful
This had me spellbound...so descriptive! Lovely and romantic. Made my morning to read this!
Cheers,
Lori
raj
Sat, 2011-08-27 16:25
thank you Lori for your
thank you Lori for your comment...good to know you enjoyed it ...
much love...
raj (sublime_ocean)