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Lonesome but not alone

Submitted by raj on Wed, 2018-06-13 15:00

fingers on the keyboard,were tapping a song
the piano in audience said let me play along
a spider in the corner stopped knitting its web
and the clock on the wall was swinging its tail
the fan on the ceiling was stirring the air
my cat was purring on an unkempt bed
grey shadows soon started dancing on the wall
when keys on my piano started playing live

the clock on the wall moved past the midnight moon
yet my eyes were streaming lullabies for you

i thought I heard a knock on the door
but it was of keyboard fallen on the floor

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

gregwa8

Wed, 2018-06-13 17:46

gregwa8's picture

This is really cool. I feel bad for the fallen keyboard

raj

Thu, 2018-06-14 05:07

Thanks Greg....good to know you liked it...
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

lovedly

Wed, 2018-06-13 18:27

lovedly's picture

the key board
and get aboard

else the cat will purrr
lovely piano music
i heard

raj

Thu, 2018-06-14 05:08

Thanks Lovedly for the visit.
........................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Eumolpus

Wed, 2018-06-13 23:39

Eumolpus's picture

The descriptions are well presented, they really swing.

I would only consider ending the poem with "lullabies for you" the whole thing works. The image of the keyboard somehow falling to the floor doesn't connect for me, or the knock at the door...don't to me fit the music and shape of the poem.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

raj

Thu, 2018-06-14 15:20

Thank you Eumolpus for taking time to read. Good to know you liked most of it except the concluding couplet. If you go through the revisions it was added as an after thought because like you I also deliberated a long time for concluding it at lullabies line. I added it to give a crestfallen feeling which I do agree is also delivered without that couplet. I may delete it a later. However one reason which made me stick to it was to create a connect between how it started [through overwhelment] and the sound of the keyboard falling [reality]

I don't know if it is noticeable that I have tried to use the entire room and its elements to indicate that not just me but even they were sharing the feeling of lonesomeness...hence the title "Lonely but not alone"

Also a small change from lullabies to old melodies does shift the context from a child to an adult[loved one]

Feels good to know that you found the descriptions well presented.

Thanks again.
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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