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Illusion

Submitted by raj on Thu, 2016-04-14 16:22

The mist was clearing
on a chilly day
frosting the glass
on the window pane
I drew a heart
hoping it would beat
to the gentle strums
of a harp within

I saw a door
around the heart
embracing it
in a welcome warmth
I tapped on that door
in hope and in prayer
to save me from agony
and despair

The mist soon cleared
almost in haste
the heart was gone
from the window pane
I knocked on that door
till my knuckles turned red
listening to the song
going cold again

i leaned against that door
in vain
with hands in my pockets
misty eyed
I took a few gingerly steps
then looked back
the door too had vanished
leaving my heart
homeless....

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Keith Logan

Fri, 2016-04-15 23:53

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If the first two verses stood alone this would be complete and end on hope. the addition of the next two verses takes it back full circle to end as sadly as it starts. it is well written and I don't feel inclined to nit pick a poem like this.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

raj

Sat, 2016-04-16 14:32

Thanks for your read and elaborate comment. You are right about the 3rd and 4th verses making it a complete circle which is why I chose the title "Illusion"

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Rula

Sat, 2016-04-16 09:57

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here raj that come so true all through.
I also like the musicality created by the alliteration and the consonance.
You gave a clichéd theme a fresh voice.
Bravo!!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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raj

Sat, 2016-04-16 14:33

Thanks for the read and your comment. Do you think that in the fourth stanza I should have concluded at "bleary eyed"?..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Rula

Sun, 2016-04-17 00:04

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To be pretty honest, i didn't like the "misty /bleary eyed" line, but as I couldn't point out why, I preferred not to mention it. However, I liked what you brought after that line though it becomes somber, or maybe that's what I like about that addition.
I would most probably keep it if that was mine.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

raj

Mon, 2016-04-18 13:47

Thanks Rula for your honest opinion. So, for now I will not delete the last four lines.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

lovedly

Sun, 2016-04-17 00:20

lovedly's picture

others comments raj _sublime
do teach me please

Rula

Sun, 2016-04-17 00:35

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can remove others' comments Loved. NO WAY!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

lovedly

Sun, 2016-04-17 01:21

lovedly's picture

as many times the compy was knocking off and on
may be mine got washed of Rula

thanks coz

I am '''seeds''' of poetry
not available in any nursery
so just smell my fragrance
kindly let me be
that poet tree
where many come
to find shade beneath
believe me
I am the only single one
ever born under
the sun
not by just any son!

lovedly

Wed, 2016-04-20 09:52

lovedly's picture

Thanks to you
any criticism will do from all of you
to whom as a poet
I am due
but now not new

jane210660

Wed, 2016-05-18 17:52

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Oh, I was on edge reading this.
I really like your style, I've obviously read the edited version, which I think is great.
I find critique very difficult, because poems are so personal and if the poet likes it that way, then that's fine by me.
Jx

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Keith Logan

Thu, 2016-05-19 02:30

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not one of the many gushy, lovey type forums around the net. If the author was not at least willing to consider change, he or she would not offer up their work for critique. At least that's how I think of it anyway.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

jane210660

Thu, 2016-05-19 04:27

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Yes Keith you're perfectly right.
Funny thing is, I don't mind people critiquing my work and all contributions welcome. I just find it hard to be critical of something I am impressed with.
This is bizarre, as I've been a teacher for over 30 years and very used to marking and even teaching children how to critique. I think it's because I know my pupils and know where to point them to help improve their work, whereas here, I'm new and a relative stranger. This will change of course :-) Jxx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

lovedly

Thu, 2016-05-19 04:38

lovedly's picture

will you help polish mine
free verse
no poet that's worse
still read 'tis funny
too many love my poetry
may be
you would too
thank you

jane210660

Thu, 2016-05-19 05:52

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Why thank you Lovedly, I shall spend some time reading your poetry. Jxx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

lovedly

Thu, 2016-05-19 13:12

lovedly's picture

ma'am

raj

Thu, 2016-05-19 12:47

Keith is right Jane about critiquing, especially this being a workshop site. Feel free to critique my work. Trust me it would be received in a positive spirit, more so because I consider myself to be on a learning curve, therefore more critical comments are welcome...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

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judyanne

Thu, 2016-05-19 09:11

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This is beautifully written
Nothing I would suggest to change
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

raj

Thu, 2016-05-19 12:48

Thanks Judyanne for your appreciative comments. Means a lot when they come from accomplished poets like you...

Much love and hugs..

raj (sublime_ocean)

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