Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

When You Are Gone

The moon peeps out from behind a cloud,
Its light bleakly shining on the tomb
Where my love lies buried and decaying,
Alone and forgotten in Earth's dank womb.

The bleak, sad dawn is far away
And the night is grim and cold;
Wind, harsh wind, a breath of ice
Rustles the leaves and chills my soul.

I wander through the rows of graves,
Dreaming on the fate of my dead love,
But the horrid stench of rotting flesh
Tells me I am really better off above.

So recall that once you're dead, you're gone
Into the void of endless night so black;
And think on this with a happy laugh:
No way, no how, are you ever coming back.
.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Hi, Edna,
Maybe alone, but then, not really forgotten, right? Your poetry always makes me think, and think again.
Thank you,
L

you might want to substitute peers or peeks for "peeps," otherwise it's one humdinger of a nice poem. Jerry

"Peeps" is funnier to an English ear! Peeks is fuunier in a sense.
.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

author comment

I like how this is not about a "poor broken heart" or "my heart bleeds for her"

Alone and forgotten in Earth's dank womb.
I may have given 'wormy womb' some though or maybe ya did.
dank womb is fine though.
I likes,

~Mark~
To comment is necessary.
To acknowledge a comment is a compliment.

Live Chat is open 24/7,
come in, mix and mingle often!

Earth's dank womb, the perfect description of the "truth". This poem is dark cold and it smells like the dead so you have pulled it off very well along with the title.

Thank you...Teddy

...for your kind words.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

author comment

You seem to have gotten a handle on this scary stuff. I think that perhaps, this [My love] person wasn't all that special to you; as you laugh and say that "No way, no how, are you ever coming back". "Nicely done", as Killer would say. ~ Geezer.
.

Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

...ever come back? Well, apart from Nandor the Relentless...
.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

author comment

the laugh that I referred to. it sounded gleeful!
~ Geezer.
.

Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

Your use of rhythm is superb. Even though the metric is not consistent, at no time did stumble, stop, or be surprised, but found it smooth throughout.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.