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WANTON VIOLENCE

Our land is plague by violence
Insensitive to sanctity of human life
We grieve and suffer in silence

From bloody coups to civil war
Robbery movies enacted in real life
Road carnage tripled by broken tar

Political and religious riots take turns
Bomb blasts by Boko Haram exact fear
Senseless bangs, the nation helplessly burns

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

you're getting the hang of it, it contributes rather than detracts to the power of this piece. Admirable content and brevity too. Some nice use of assonance and consonance too.

My only hesitation is the use of the word 'bangs' in the last line. It is not strong enough, almost childish, although I can't seem to think of anything better,

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I have been experimenting on new forms lately in an attempt to improve on my writing, thanks and best wishes

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

... "reports"? As in "Mad reports" or "Crazed reports" (I don't like that one) or "Numb reports" or "Rash reports"? Anything?
I only have one problem here. Since you used such a consistent rhyme scheme, it bothers me that "war" and "tar" don't rhyme. It sort of stuck out at me.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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and I have been thinking of a better word to replace the one sticking out. Once something better gets into my head I will effect the change. Thank you and best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

...it stuck out @ me, too. Other than that, an overall nice effort.
Sincerely,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

thanks for the comments, best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment
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