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WANTON VIOLENCE
Our land is plague by violence
Insensitive to sanctity of human life
We grieve and suffer in silence
From bloody coups to civil war
Robbery movies enacted in real life
Road carnage tripled by broken tar
Political and religious riots take turns
Bomb blasts by Boko Haram exact fear
Senseless bangs, the nation helplessly burns
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I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Inspired by an article in an old manuscript, It reads:, AXIOMS OF PERFECTION, In the physical order – In the realization of the dream of beauty, In the moral order – In the realization of the dream of love, In the intellectual order – In the realization of dream of poetry, In the spiritual order – In the realization of the dream of the mystics
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Comments
weirdelf
Wed, 2012-01-04 20:50
nice use of rhyme and near rhyme,
you're getting the hang of it, it contributes rather than detracts to the power of this piece. Admirable content and brevity too. Some nice use of assonance and consonance too.
My only hesitation is the use of the word 'bangs' in the last line. It is not strong enough, almost childish, although I can't seem to think of anything better,
cheers,
Jess
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t. reflexion
Thu, 2012-01-05 22:16
Thank you…
I have been experimenting on new forms lately in an attempt to improve on my writing, thanks and best wishes
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
author commentwesley snow
Wed, 2012-01-04 21:37
How about...
... "reports"? As in "Mad reports" or "Crazed reports" (I don't like that one) or "Numb reports" or "Rash reports"? Anything?
I only have one problem here. Since you used such a consistent rhyme scheme, it bothers me that "war" and "tar" don't rhyme. It sort of stuck out at me.
wesley
W. H. Snow
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t. reflexion
Thu, 2012-01-05 22:22
Yes, a little forced...
and I have been thinking of a better word to replace the one sticking out. Once something better gets into my head I will effect the change. Thank you and best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
author commentdocmaverick
Thu, 2012-01-05 21:09
Yes T. Rex....
...it stuck out @ me, too. Other than that, an overall nice effort.
Sincerely,
doc.
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t. reflexion
Thu, 2012-01-05 22:27
my appreciation
thanks for the comments, best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
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