Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

WHEN WE BUILD AGAIN

Years ago our ancestors came together
Before the eclipse turned our day into night
Built a small house, but big enough for all
Roof, like a bird with wings, tilted skyward
They sang of freedom for our families
Eagles flew across, never seen by men
We gazed upward and saw the falcons’ eyes

Slabs and shingle were conveyed to the site
From the quarry, throughout the winding creeks
To the plot bought on Jones’ Avenue
With seasoned artisans and experts at work
We had hopes, high, as tall as Iroko
A module of hob and spoke adopted
With Abuja as fused core city centre

The builders assembled for ground-breaking
The chief workman changed the original plan
Infected the timbers and calibers
Sham took a shovel, mixed cement with soap
When they labored hard to lintel level
The very foundation weakened from start
This house has fallen from the other end

With the base pillar of truth compromised
Not as laid in planned pyramid of ideals
Laid down to root out rotten elements
Like falsehood, greed and insincerity
State house is on the brink of caving in
Fear tiptoes around in the minds of men
On what will happen, when we build again…

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

but I'm afraid I need some back-story. I'm not sure what this is really about.

Please forgive my ignorance.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

On one hand it deals with an Airline business, promising at inception but mismanaged by the very owner. It is now history. With Abuja as the hob, this city also doubled as our Nation's Capital. Our country also share similar traits, corruption eats into the fabric and threathens the very foundation of our existence as a united country. Great effort is made to redirect our course and we are not there yet. The use of the small business serves as a safety valve to escape any political attack.

I this will give an insight to the depth of the piece, Thank you and best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.