Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
That's All They Want
Today I got the same message
I receive each Sunday morning,
at the same time every week;
my old pastor, my mentor
will send me a pleasant
"God bless you,"
or some variant,
and then there is silence.
If I ask how his day is,
if I ask about the weather,
if I ask about the state of his world,
there is silence.
At Robbie Shainoff's funeral
the shocked glances I used to get
had been toned down
and replaced with muted and uncomfortable hellos,
and a strange hug from a deacon's wife,
who pushed me away
as if to tell me
"if you get too close, I'll get some on me
and I might turn out like you."
I looked at the dead, old pulpit,
and realized it was a dead, old pulpit.
The old spaces where my son and I brought the Communion trays
every week. And I realized that's all they want;
the illusion of love and tenderness and holiness,
the illusion of closeness and togetherness.
In their pride,
they would tell you they're merely listening
to the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 5,
by keeping me at arms length.
But I would counter,
this is who they've always been.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I've never been a fan of using generic terms like "they," or "them," as it always has felt non - specific and cowardly in poems and music to me, but for some reason it seems to fit here.
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2016-11-14 00:06
True love...
has no barriers or bounds. I liked your thoughts here and I think you are right; there are many people who talk the talk, but never walk the walk. I'm not too sure about your title, but can see where it might be apt. I felt that the they, and them are especially potent here because it distances " those people from you as they did distance themselves from you. Your logic held it together throughout the poem and I felt that it was very well thought out. ~ Gee.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Tee M. Allison
Wed, 2016-11-30 17:34
Depth
There is a depth to this that's beyond the sum of the words. The scenario in the poem reminds me of an interaction between myself and a server at a restaurant. They ask how you are doing, but they don't really want to know. And courtesy demands that you say fine regardless of your inner turmoil.
I love this piece, not entirely sure about the title, but I'm also unable to come up with a viable replacement for it, so i guess it works. Your language use was great, i can only suggest that you break up some of the sentences and maybe switch out some words, and make it more descriptive. I'm a huge fan of imagery and symbolism in poem so that's probably where that language criticism stems from. The logic behind the theme is consistent but I keep asking what i missed. There is the funeral, and there is the part where the persona is being treated like he/she has the plague, I'll suggest you make the transition more seamless. Also there is the theme of death that starts in the second stanza. It might be better if you merge the second stanza and the first two lines of the third stanzas together. The last parts of the poem can be a single stanza too, because it;s back to the initial idea of the illusion of unity or love.
Again i really love your piece.