Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.


What deity is this?
That foregoes the host lost and bleeding
Whose eyes mark the divine tide
Which pulls the storm from its
caribbean cradle
The radiant sun
folds into a dancing sea
As the furied tide sways above the earth

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 


welcome to neopoet

and a very powerful first submission
awesome write - the descriptive is strong

i have a couple of suggestions
'What deity is this?' – I’d lose the ‘is’

caribbean cradle – if you hadn’t capitalised ‘what’ in the first verse (line) you could get away with the lower-case ‘c’ for Caribbean – personally I think you should drop all the capitals – especially with ‘as’ in
‘As the furied tide’ – and is furied a word? Maybe ‘as the furious tide’

i enjoyed this write
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

That foregoes the host, lost and bleeding would put a comma here

Whose eyes mark the divine tide
As the furied tide sways above the earth the repetition of tide is a bit confusing, the second seems to be the storm clouds or wind not the tide at all.
I like furied, make more words I say.
the whole poem has an archaic feel to it, the anthropomorphising of god, the use of forgoes, tempest (instead of storm), using more contemporary vocab would
make the poem more immediate. Also radiant sun and dancing sea are cliched expressions.
I enjoyed this, it has a stately rhythm and you have made it short and meaningful. Very moving given that we have all felt this dreradful storm even if like me by tv only. Looking forward to reading more of your poems.
all the best

(c) No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.