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Three in a tree's bad luck...

Betwixt the
Shimmering constellations
And the
Black pines

Inside its eye
The face of a thousand midnights

Sharpening its talons
On the cheeks of the fair

And slake their thirst
On the darkening air

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Last few words: 
Sometimes its what you don't say... or see.. as in horror flics...
Editing stage: 

Comments

why?

author comment

I assume this is about owls rather than some type monster. Seems I've heard three nights' owl call from the same tree is bad luck. But sometimes it's better to say a bit more to let the reader in on what's going on lol. Those last four lines are truly exceptional..............stan

Its about crows and they are monsters...

author comment

Crows huh? I guess the shimmering constellations thing misled me into thinking you meant a night bird. And yes, crows can be very cruel ..................stan

These words could be used for a grand poem but as Stan couldn't find the theme, Don't forget many countries have differing fables and strange sayings..
I took this(well Sparrow said) " Tree in a toilet tree is bad" but he's part Irish, and tree trees is nine I give up LOL, Yours, Ian.Tree

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

yet somehow feels incomplete.

I really question the use of betwixt instead of between. Kind of overly poetical, keep it real.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Between shimmering constellations
and the black pines.--- this would be a better format

Inside its eye---whose eye? One of the 3 in the tree? this is too vague
The face of a thousand midnights--- too melodramatic and exaggerated.

Sharpening its talons
On the cheeks of the fair-also way too melodramatic,

And slake their thirst-slake is archaic and also this from the bible and properly should be in single quotes
On the darkening air- 'darkening air' is from Dicken's and should also be in single quotes.

I did like this although I've been fairly critical. You mention Crowley as one of your inspirations, an interesting magician but a lousy poet, suggest you expand your reading and include some modern poets.

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