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Talk (a song)

Just one shot, one more shot
and I'll go down
Just one shot, one more shot
and it will make my day

But you wouldn't give the
reason for this
You want to save what's last or what's less
and you wouldn't tell me
the cause of this mess
It wont preserve the...
remaining goodness...

Please light more cigarettes
I need to smoke
Don't be greedy
Don't be greedy

But you wouldn't give the
reason for this
You want to save what's last or what's less
and you wouldn't tell me
the cause of this mess
It wont preserve the...
remaining goodness...

Just one shot, one more shot
and I'll go down
Just one shot, one more shot

There's none left.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
This was a song I made about 3 years ago. I actually have the melody but I am open to suggestions of the content.
Editing stage: 

Comments

this sounds very much like song lyrics. I like it!!!! I like your use of repetition. From what I have seen from you so far, you do it very well. I am interested in the melody that goes with these lyrics. I see this with a hardcore or hard rock theme....correct me if I am wrong.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

This is the life of the piece. This was years ago when I still had a band. I posted this in case you might wanna know how it is like :)

Cheers :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peZnUkuR_Cc

author comment

A rock star at heart...I think I was in another life...will def check out your vid

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

Welcome back to Neopoet.
The title of your poem could be better. This is a criticism I have of MANY poems, most particularly my own; I have a terrible time thinking up decent titles!
Your language use is excellent. So is the cadence, and you have successfully taken a well-worn theme and made it intriguing, and worth reading.
The beginning and ending were both good, as well.

I found this disturbing, disquieting, and thouroughly enjoyable. You have captured despair, fear, resignation and helplessness very, very well.
I am particularly struck by the two interpretations that I can give it...drinking to oblivion, or being beaten there, either of which works for me as I read your poem.

Most excellent.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

This one sounds like the drug scene as there is an added smoking part.
If it was a warning I would like it more but as is, it is a begging letter lol, Yours Ian.T
PS:- I only take designer drugs, they are designed to stop the pain from damage to C4 and they seem to work lol

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Oh its just that I imagined a couple about to like break up so they drank alcohol. And they talked and argued about one not telling things or reasoning out for such actions. an yeah it is like a repetition because their fight or arguments are going no where. No one is solving it that's why it goes all over again. and smoke is for cigarettes :D

author comment
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