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Stars

Submitted by MDT on Thu, 2012-04-26 16:57

the sun has set,
as we lay on the warm earth
and look upon the purple sky
to map out our destined birth
in constellation of astrological sic-fi

i Whisper,
look how our cosmic myths interweave,
how the planets shine this eve,
Venus is always first to appear, and disappear.

As we sit on the windowsill
and gaze into the night so still
life's mystic notions draw us
to wish upon the sparkle lights, millions of galaxies away.

under my breath I say,
So profound and ecstatic they are
like celestial diamonds,
night after years of nights, ever existent

Darkness covers the hours,
we are absorbed by stellar powers
so we embrace in the moonlight
and our souls reflect the cosmic sight,
the stars, how they shine in your eyes tonight.

Review Request (Direction): 
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Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Esker

Fri, 2012-04-27 00:54

Esker's picture

the flex of energy streaming
the hot sizzle of the new
like gothic era novas
with their halos of brilliance
Twinned
and comets with pennant
tails like a tear stain
Harlequin eve

......

judyanne

Fri, 2012-04-27 01:18

judyanne's picture
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‘as we lye on the warm earth’ --- ? ‘lie’
as ‘lye’ is ‘a highly concentrated, aqueous solution of potassium hydroxide or sodium hydroxide’

with both 'and i whisper .. ' -- i'd lose the 'and'

?typo
'the stars how the shine this eve' -- ?'they' - also, i'd put a comma after 'stars'

love the finish
'Darkness covers the hours,
we are absorbed by stellar powers
so we embrace in the moonlight
and our souls reflect the cosmic sight,
for the stars shine in your eyes tonight.'

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

judyanne

Sat, 2012-04-28 13:07

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I like ‘under my breath I say’
- but I think you have overused the word ‘star’ …
I’d make the next line the ‘they’ you had before, as we already know from the previous stanza ‘they’ are stars

typo –
i Whisper,
the stars, how the shine this eve --- they

also I really like the edit to the last line – so much more smooth to read
nice
love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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